Burn Bright ×Maxian×

10

[Song: Deathbeds by Bring Me The Horizon]

I wish I knew why I kept passing out so I could make it stop. Each time I wake up feeling like my head weighs a ton and my mind is overwhelmed with trying to keep up with what happened while I was out. I can't go to a doctor or a hospital either because then I'd be taken away from Ian and shipped off into an orphanage somewhere.

I was in Ian's bed now, not comfortable enough to be on my own, his blankets tightly wrapped around my body. Ian was out of the room, preparing something for me to eat. He keeps pressing for me to see a doctor but we both know that won't be possible.

A light rain taps against the bedroom window. Looking outside, I see how gray the world has become. Quite frankly, the world as I know it has become one monotone disaster of grayness. There isn't much color left anymore, everything is just gray now.

The one color I still have, Ian, enters the room. He holds a bowl and a sympathetic smile. He sits and hands the bowl to me, I take it and glance at the contents: chicken noodle soup. I smile and eat a spoonful, letting the warmth of it soothe my troubles as it makes its way down.

“How is it?” Ian asks, breaking our calmed silence.

“Good,” I nod and take another spoonful.

“And how are you?” he asks. I love him to death but sometimes he worries too much, I don't want to be treated like I'm broken right now.

“Fine,” I tell him. “Head hurts a bit and I'm hungry, but other than that just fine.”

“You need to see a doctor,” he tells me. “We'll fake who we are and take you.”

“It's not that easy and you know it.” We're both being stubborn again, this may end in yet another yelling match between us.

“Max, you need help,” he says, desperation and concern peaking in his voice. “Something is really wrong.”

“There's nothing we can do,” I conclude. “Look, if it happens again, take me to a hospital. Right now we don't actually know if it's something serious.”

Ian sighs with defeat. “Fine, just be careful.”

I nod and eat my soup.

××××

It was time again. Ian was withdrawn and I was itching to get off the bench. He wanted me to take it easy but I was tired of taking life easy. I needed this just as bad as he did.

I stood with the box of matches ready. Ian popped the lid off of the gas can and started dumping it onto the floor in his typical pattern. I watch his movements like a predator on the prowl.

He neared my feet and stopped, setting the can down.

“Light it,” he commands. I strike the match against the box and throw it down. Ian grabs onto my arm and drags me out as fast as we can run.

The building bursts into a deadly light show right behind us. I can feel the warmth of it as we leave.

Ian starts to bring me towards another building. “Where are you going?”

“We can watch from the roof,” he says pointing to a fire escape that goes straight up to the roof. I nod and we make our way to the top.

We sit far enough back to where we can't be seen but to where we can still see. Ian tales my hand and I lay my head on his shoulder.

The building has a bright orange glow from the fire consuming its insides but not yet reaching the exterior. It was really beautiful, moments like these make what we do make more sense than anything else.

I look over at Ian, he's watching the building with all the focus he has. His eyes are wide and he's biting his lip. He almost looks afraid.

“Ian?” I ask. “You okay?”

“I'm fine,” he says, not taking his eyes off the building.

“Are you sure?” I press on.

“Yeah,” he nods, still not breaking the gaze.

I've never sat and watched him when he's admiring his work, I'm either not paying attention or looking at the work too. We usually don't stay this close either, this is all new ground we're treading.  

“Do you miss them?” Ian asks suddenly.

“Who?” I wonder.

“Your parents, your family.” His eyes are still firm on the building. Flames begin to reach the exterior and break out through the windows.

“I don't know,” I shrug. “I mean I kinda do but at the same time I don't remember them enough to know what I'm missing.”

Ian nods. “Sometimes I think I should've  given you up so that you could've had a better life but back then I was too stubborn to know any better. I just knew from the second I saw you that I needed to protect you from anything bad.”

“Why do our lives have to be so difficult?” I glance down at my shoes, resting my eyes from the scene in front of me.

“Maybe we just have bad luck,” he says. “Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's my parents fault.”

“Your parents?” He never likes bringing them up, every time I've asked in the past he just brushes it off. I want to know what they did to him but he's never told me.

Ian gives a small nod and takes a deep breath. “I don't know how else I would've ended up this way.”

“What happened?” I question.  

“So much,” Ian shakes his head. “My mom was a whore, she doesn't even know who my father was. She smoked and drank and did drugs, fucked anyone that would pay her mind, all right in front of me. She always put her cigarettes out on my thigh. There was one time when I was eight, she was higher than the clouds, and she gave me a pill that made me see all kinds of monsters.”

“What happened to her?” I look at him. His eyes are closed as he recalls the memories from his childhood.

“It was actually right after when I got beat up for kissing that guy,” he started. “She had to pick me up because they broke my nose. She didn't want to deal with me though because I was supposed to stay all weekend, so you can imagine how pissed she was. She asked me why they beat me up and I told her what happened, she just stopped in the middle of the road and made me get out of the car.

“I walked home and when I got there she was getting high again. She asked why I came home and told me she didn't want a disappointment like me living in the house but I ignored her comment and went to my room. I fell asleep but I got woken up a little later by a burning feeling. She threw a cigarette in my bed and my blanket was starting to catch on fire. I got out of bed and ran to find my mom, she was passed out in the couch with her lighter in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

“Something in my just snapped and I took the cigarette and put it on the couch and I took the lighter and lit the couch on fire. I walked outside the house and just left her in there. She died and I was sent into the foster care system. I found out a few weeks later that prior to the fire, my mother was already dead from a heroin overdose.”

I stare at Ian in utter shock at everything he's just told me. This is the most open he's ever been with me.

He opens his eyes finally and looks at me, “That's how everything began.”

“I'm glad you told me,” I give his hand a reassuring squeeze.

“I'm so lucky to have you, Max,” he smiles and gives my forehead a kiss.”

“I'm lucky to have you too,” I tell him.

“We've been here long enough, let's get out of here.” I nod in agreement and we both get up and leave.