Burn Bright ×Maxian×

8

[Song: Nicotine by Panic! At The Disco]

I don't feel safe anymore. I don't have anyone to turn to or anyone to go to. The only person that I have I no longer trust and quite frankly I've become afraid of him. I was too young and naive to see what he was capable of but now it was blatantly obvious and that terrified me.

The autumn night wind blows against my skin, chilling any warmth straight out of my body. It was late and I was sitting on the front steps but I couldn't bring myself to go back inside just yet. I needed to be alone. I needed to be away from Ian.

It's been a few days since everything happened now, I still felt some pain when I move certain ways. I've been told to take it easy for a few weeks, which means no fires. Ian's itching to get out again, I can tell just how withdrawn he is, so I definitely won't be taking it easy as long as I'm supposed to.

With a sigh, I stand and go inside finally. When I enter our home, Ian is sitting on the couch.

"Where have you been?" He asks.

"Just sitting outside," I tell him.

"Next time, tell me first," he says.

"Why?" I question.

"Because I worry about you," he answers.

I roll my eyes and start to walk back to my room. But in a second he's up and grabs my wrist. I jump and turn to him.

"I mean it, Max. I care about you, I don't want anything happening." His eyes show a deep sincerity that makes me feel uncomfortable. I know he means well but I've lost so much trust with him that I can't take him serious.

"Okay," was the only thing I could say back.

He looked hurt and it made me feel bad, but there wasn't anything I could think to say to make him feel better. He let me go and I started walking away again. Then he called my name and I stopped to see what he wanted.

His voice sounded like it was about to break, "do you still love me?"

My heart sank. Maybe I'm being selfish about all of this. I'm clearly breaking him down but I can't seem to bring myself to answer.

We stay in silence for a few seconds before he nods and speaks, "okay, that's-that's..."

He went into his room and shut the door behind him. I went into my own and sat on my bed.

Through the walls I could hear Ian's cries. I'm becoming a monster right before my very eyes and I couldn't hate myself more. Why am I acting like this? What's wrong with me? Who am I anymore?

Without thinking, I'm on my feet and at Ian's door. I open it quietly and look inside. He's on his bed, back to the door, hunched over and sobbing into his hands. I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around him, bringing him in close.

He moved closer to me. We sat there like that for a while, I comforted him until he calmed down and even after we just sat there like that.

"I love you, Max." His voice was quiet and raspy, a direct result from the crying. I've never seen him so broken before. He's always been the strong one, I've never seen him cry. 

"I love you too," I told him.

"Don't lie," He sighs.

"I'm not," I tell him. "I'm just figuring things out. There's a lot happening lately."

"You're not going through it alone," he sat up and looked at me. "I'm always here for you."

"I know. It's just hard to look at you in the same way anymore," I looked at his eyes. They were red and sad. I wanted them to be happy again.

"I'm sorry," he sighed and looked down. "Part of me wants to say that if I had the chance to do that night over I wouldn't burn the house down but a bigger part of me says that's not true. If I didn't do it then I wouldn't have ever met you and I would've been alone for all these years. But that's so selfish to think, isn't it? I just need you in my life, Max. You give me a reason to wake up everyday and I'd probably be dead without you." 

"Ian..."

He looked at me and rested his hand on my cheek. "I know that you probably aren't ready to forgive me, and that's perfectly fine, I just wanted you to know how I felt about everything."

"I know, Ian. I don't know if I'm ready yet to forgive you but I know I want to give you a chance." He looked happier now that I said that, and that made me happier. "You're all I have, I'd be nothing without you." 

"Can I do something?" He asks, looking me in the eyes.

"What?" I question back.

"This." And just like that his lips are on mine. He makes me melt, he is fire and I am ice. I miss back like it's the only thing I know how to do. His lips feel like heaven against mine.

The kiss goes further until my back is against the bed and he's on top of me. Sexual thoughts reenter my mind and I want it to happen more than anything in the world. But he stops. Ian pulls back.

"Are you okay?" He asks me.

"More than okay," I answer.

"I just don't want to hurt you," he tells me.

"You won't."

He nods and kisses me again. I wrap my arms around his neck and bring him closer while my hips move against his. I want him more than anything in the world right now.

He slides his tongue expertly into my mouth and I soak in the feeling as much as I can.

Within a short time we've stripped down to only boxers. He looks me in the eyes and asks "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

I nod, "yes, I'm sure."