I may be only 16 years old, but the past 5 years of my decade and a half, though going by fast, have also felt like years. "For years..." I may say, and it makes me sound like an old person talking about their life, but I'm just a 16 year old talking about the last five years. It still counts, right? I'm still allowed to have learned lessons and had hardships, right? I may be only a teenager but that doesn't mean I haven't had hard times, right?
I'm lonely. And I hate to admit that to myself. For years, I fell too hard for people and would always end crushed, so I got sick of it. I would always wish I had "walls" and the will to not let people in, and then I finally got to the point where I could do that, where I could just shut people out, and now I can't let them back in.
I want to. God, I want to so bad. I'm sick of this. I spent so long unhappy, I spent so long hating myself and my body. Thinking no one would ever love me. Thinking I would never love me. I just pushed and pushed and pushed, adding bricks around me when necessary and then one day I looked up and realized that I hadn't built a door. I realized I couldn't get out and that other people couldn't get it.
Safety doesn't feel as good as I thought it would. I still hurt. It's just me doing the harm this time, not others. I thought I would be proud of myself. I thought I would feel empowered. But I just felt empty.
I want to let people in so bad. I hate myself so fucking much for closing myself off. Normally when I think of relationships, I'm envious. Because I want one. I want one so bad. I crave emotional satisfaction, I crave someone to text and talk to and smile at and flirt with. But my body doesn't. Or maybe it's a bit of mind and body but something is wrong with me. Every time someone reaches out in a way that has potential to be more than friendship, my walls go up, even as I scream to myself you want a relationship, stupid!!!
I don't know what's wrong with me. But it hurts.
