Rain

June 12, 2009

The sun was peeking through my shear white curtains disturbing my peaceful slumber. I groaned loudly in protest, cursing the sun under my breath as I hurried out of bed and got dressed. The clock read 9:00 AM, meaning I had already missed most of my first class. In my mind it meant, might as well skip the entire day. My only issue was finding an excuse to tell my mother, she would be worried if I was still here when she got home.

Maybe I'll just have to tell her that my classes were cancelled for the day, it wasn't uncommon for a college professor to cancel class at the last moment. I had made my decision, I was staying home to read. After all, I did tell myself that it was time to dive back into Liz's life. I had to know how she took it, maybe even find out where she went. I made my way to her room groggily, a shower and food would have to wait, and I had to get answers. I positioned myself comfortable on the floor next to her bed, grabbed the book and opened it, opened it to the last entry. The pages were harder now, my tears along with her own made the pages crinkle in protest as I turned them. A catch in my throat reminded me of the pain I felt a few days go. It was time, this entry however wasn't days after it was a month.

August 7, 2007- Hello old friend. Honestly, I don't know if I'm writing this to myself or to you, the mythical person that lives in my Diary. I guess all in all I'm always writing to myself, pouring my frustrations, sadness, happiness onto pages people will never read. When you think about it, it makes me seem crazy. Anyway, today was the first day I've been able to leave my room not covered by layers upon layers of clothing. Today was the first day I actually looked my sister in the eyes, though I know it wasn't her fault that Chaz is a pig. For some reason I felt resentment towards her, she is the one who talked me into wearing that stupid dress.

The dress shouldn't have been the problem, being alone shouldn't have been a problem, but it was and right now I still feel like it's somehow my fault. I'm always asking myself if I was being too flirty, or maybe I was giving off the vibe that I wanted it, maybe I was teasing him and he did nothing wrong. Sadly, no matter how many times I tell myself it's not my fault, I can't help but believe it was. I wore shorts today...or I tried to. The older gentleman next door looked at me and smiled, I got nervous and ran inside the house to change. The poor guy probably thinks I hate him now. How could I tell anyone what's wrong with me when my mother and sister don't even see something is wrong.

My mother is too into her shopping with Jade to pay any mind to the fact that I wear sweatpants every day, I don't do my hair, and I hardly ever leave the house. Their rarely here so I guess I can't be mad at them for not knowing I'm here. Every day is the same, they get up at 10:00 AM and head to the mall for "Light" shopping. They used to invite me but have stopped after the month of saying no, my sister just thinks I'm weird and my mother keeps telling me I need to stop moping around because Chaz hasn't called. If only she knew, he's the last person I want to talk to or see. Going to the mall increases my chances, going to the mall makes me relive the whole thing. So I find other things to do when they shop.

Lately, I've been watching "The Notebook." Over and over, stuffing my face with chocolate or pizza, or crying myself to sleep. Not that I slept much anymore, even my dreams are tainted. I haven't been able to write, because I didn't want this to be real, being able to read it over and over again makes it real, makes me realize that my family wouldn't notice If I was gone. Maybe, I shouldn't be left alone anymore, I wouldn't really kill myself.....Would I? At this point, I'm not really sure. Of course they would be hurt and might even miss me, but how long would it take them to find me? If it was anything like today they would find me rather quickly.

When they got home from their "Light" shopping they each had two bags full of various clothing items. How do I know this? My sister decided to barge into my room insisting I see the "cute" outfits they were able to find for a steal. I will never understand how an outfit is cute, people and animals are cute, not clothing. This mini fashion show lasted an hour and a half, consisting of my usual "Yeah, it's great." The last time I said it however, my sister decided to tell me just how lame I was. "Maybe if you did something with your hair and actually went outside you would have more appreciation for just how beautiful these clothes are. Seriously, it's embarrassing to have such a lame sister." I believe were her exact words, actually I'm most certain those were the exact words. I decided that was the end of that and walked back to my room locking the door and crying myself to sleep. That was at 2:00 PM, it's not 10:00 PM and I'm angry that I woke up. I could hear Jade in the next room talking on her cell phone about how much of a pain it is to have a sister that never does anything but cry, eat, and paint.

I was curious who she was talking to about me, I pressed my ear against the wall and heard the most horrifying thing in the world. "Chaz and my sister are on some kind of break..... Jessica, he told me that my sister tried to make out with him on the first date and it made it super awkward, she's so weird. ." My heart dropped, Chaz Foreman, my rapist was blaming all of this on me, making me out to see the desperate girl trying to get some from the high school jock. At least you and I know the truth, Chaz Foreman is a rapist and my darling sister set me up. *Entry End*

I stared at the diary in horror. My sister believed that I was the reason she was sexually assaulted, she truly thought I was the one to blame for Chaz being a monster. Stunned I slid the book back under the mattress. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, all I could do is stare at where the book was, trying to process all this horrific information. First, my sister was thinking about suicide, could that be why we having heard from her? I pray it's not. Second, my sister hated me for talking her into wearing that dress, I kind of understood that. Third, I never realized how alienated my sister must have felt around our mother and I, she must have felt invisible. Fourth, Chaz Forman needed to answer for his crime. Lastly, my sister thought and could still think I knew he was going to do this and I set her up. None of this was true.

I was frozen, staring at my hands like they were the ones who wrote the words upon that page. My chest burned as my eyes swelled up with tears. I had to get out of this room, I quickly got to my feet hurriedly making my way out of the room nearly knocking my mother over. Her eyes studied me in confusion, but the expression quickly turned to sorrow and remorse. I could tell she wanted to ask why I was in there but all she did is wrap her arms around me pulling me close to her. I couldn't hold in the tears any longer as they started to pour from my eyes, accompanied by sobs.

"I'm so sorry." I sobbed into my mother's chest. Silence is all that followed as she tightened her hug. In this moment, I could only think of my sister and how much she would have loved this moment. After the sobbing stopped, I wondered if I should tell my mother everything, I also wondered how angry she would be at me for invading my sisters privacy. My mother slowly peeled me away from her body, her eyes locked upon me with a questioning gaze.