Dear ____,
My eyes are dry, my love, for I have no tears left to cry. Years of bottled-up feelings and pain have left me a hollow shell. I have sunk so deep into this pit that there is no way out.
I know the severity of the situation, yet I still try to convince myself that tomorrow, I will wake up and all this will be forgotten. Thinking that tomorrow, my eyes will be unclouded and the skies will be clear again. Always the next day, and the next, and the next. Never reaching. 'I'll be alright soon' and 'soon' never comes.
What makes it worse is that I know how to end all this. I know what I must do to get better – everyone does. Yet I do not want to make you suffer too. I am too cowardly too speak, for fear that, if I do, help might actually be given.
And that is what I am afraid of most of all.
With the darkness that claws at my mind, whispers coaxing me into the black, the hold I have on this life only weakens. Boundaries blur with every touch, a haze of uncertainty coming to rest over the delicate line between us. I can no longer see it, and as we dance among the swirling white, shafts of moonlight piercing through the mist, leaping over and over the invisible divide, my confusion blinds me. And blinds you too. You seem to have forgotten the steps to this dance, the rules that maintain this fragile balance. Every touch, every word could hold more meaning than either of us knows. And this is only pushing me closer to breaking.
I know that I am close now. My resolve hangs by a single thread, waiting to shatter onto the hard floor below. So many words, unspoken. So many messages, written but never sent. A single question, that the darkness within my mind feeds from, fuelling its insatiable appetite.
Should I?
Should I? Even if it means sacrificing the beautiful moments we share together? Do I tell you the thing that has been twisting me inside for so long? Do I risk the consequences, or spend a life-time wondering: 'what if?'. So many paths, but only one future.
And either way, regrets.
But it still confounds me that you have not worked it out yet. After the careful trails that I have laid, whispered clues that will lead you to my darkest secret, you have not uncovered a single one. Still, I'm waiting for the moment when you realise what I have done – the disgust and discomfort in your eyes, the betrayal. I know that this is the moment when I will have to turn and flee.
But maybe you have worked it out, and chose to stay silent. I would understand.
You know me better than anyone, yet you do not know this side of me – the side I keep hidden. And it takes all of my strength to keep it that way. It takes everything I have not to cave in to the darkness inside of me, to let it flood through my body and wash over my mind in gentle waves.
I will keep fighting, for you. But when I say I am ok, I am lying.
Yours Forever,
N
