Dear ____,
There are so many things I have lost, my love. I have lost the ability to distinguish between reality and fantasy. One has begun to bleed into the other, colours mixing like paint.
The different shades swirl and mix, forming a single colour. A colour that cannot be undone, cannot be separated again.
I have fallen down the rabbit hole, my love. I am surrounded by a vortex of feelings and thoughts, no longer recognising which way is up, what is my own and what is not. Fantasy seeps into reality; reality merges with fantasy.
I sometimes forget that what goes on in my head is not the real world. I believe thoughts to be memories. I sometimes call you my –
No.
That is not what you are to me. That is what you can never be – I can never have. I cannot call you that even here, in these letters.
Now the line between the two concepts has been blurred so much that you even invade my dreams. Where once they were full of impossible things – of upside-down worlds and backwards time – they are now full of my thoughts for you. Not satisfied with tempting me during the day, thoughts of you have begun to torment me in the time I believed I was safe, safe from my own heart. Now there is no escape, not even in dreaming.
This has led me to live inside my fantasies, to prefer them to the harsh realities of life. I can build a world where we are happy, where I am not overcome by thoughts of what could be, because it is real. Inside my mind, that world is real.
And so the hazy line between the two continues to bleed, an open wound in the battlefield of my heart.
Yours Forever,
N
