Dear ____,
Let me tell you a secret, my love, for I have so many that it is too much for one person alone to bear.
I have so many secrets, that I sometimes feel you do not know me at all. There are so many layers that I am worried that no-one will ever be able to reach the centre. But maybe that is better. Maybe what they would find would disgust them, to see what I truly am.
So many layers that no matter how many I chip away, how many things I tell you, there will always be more. Countless numbers more. And the pressure of all these is crushing me, drowning me in a fate of my own creation.
Sometimes it takes all that I have not to tell you the truth. Sometimes I am so close that I can taste the words on my lips, feel the sounds forcing their way out. But I can't. I only say it inside my head, hoping that if I shout loud enough you will somehow be able to hear me.
But I cannot tell you. You wouldn't understand. Then I would have ruined everything, destroyed the one thing that is preventing me from being swallowed up by the darkness. I would no longer have anyone to turn me back towards the light when I am lost. I would have lost you.
It feels like I no longer have control over my emotions. Like there is someone behind a screen with a control desk, pushing buttons at random and watching the display light up like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree so out of balance that it is in danger of tipping enough to tumble off the precipice.
I cannot control my feelings anymore; they have taken over my mind and are controlling my life while I watch from the side-lines, unable to stop the cascade of falling dominoes.
I see myself, scared, scared, lies. Lies from fear, lies from cowardice. Lies controlled by emotions I was never supposed to feel.
So I will tell you a secret, my love; I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know who holds the cards, or the result of the next hand to be dealt. I am powerless.
I began to tell you the truth once, but then I crumbled. I did not continue as I should have done. Half-truths. My despair.
Yours Forever,
N
