Social Norms (Synacky)

Chapter Forty-Nine

Brian went to the park.

That night had been rough. He hadn’t slept, he’d just wallowed in self hate and beat himself up over what he had done.

He flushed the rest of the drugs down the toilet. He wouldn’t be meddling with those for a long time.

And he had been sad. His family was gone, he’d be all alone until the next day, and he didn’t know what to do with himself.

Zacky was so fragile. He was like a butterfly, a beautiful, vulnerable butterfly. Brian had mended his wings only to snip them off at the base.

It hurt his heart just thinking about what he put Zacky through.

He knew things would be over between them. You don’t nearly rape someone and then go crawling for their forgiveness. It just didn’t happen that way.

But he still felt so god awful. He couldn’t imagine how scared Zacky was, how betrayed he felt. And Brian had claimed that he loved him.

Brian did love Zacky. He loved him with all his heart. He wasn’t thinking straight when he did what he did. In fact, he wasn’t thinking at all.

So, he had gone to the park to swing. Because Zacky was the one that told him to swing when he was sad.

He had been there probably fifteen minutes, too upset to actually bring himself to push off, when he heard a sound, and jerked his head up. It was Zacky.

Zacky. His Zacky.

He looked absolutely horrible. His hair was a mess, his eyes were dull and tired, half his face was red from being pressed against the plastic slide all night, there were dried tearstains on his porcelain cheeks. The both froze, just staring at each other.

Should Brian talk to him? Should he break into tears, apologize to him over and over? Run to him and hug him tight and never let him go?

No, Brian new better than that. He had broken the rule. There would be no worming his way back in.

But if Zacky came over to him… If that hesitant smile crept across his face… If he leaped at Brian to give him an award winning hug…

Brian wouldn’t be able to say no.

Zacky didn’t do any of those things. He took a step back, then another, then another, before turning on his heel quickly and sprinting out of the park.

And Brian let the tears fall all over again.

~*~

On the slight chance Zacky might have decided to go to practice the next day, Brian stayed home. Later he would call Jimmy and tell him he was quitting the band. He didn’t want Zacky to have to hate the lead guitarist for his band.

Did Zacky hate Brian?

His heart said no, but his mind said otherwise. What he had done was monstrous, unforgivable. Maybe he hadn’t done the deed, but he’d been close, and he hated himself for it. But he couldn’t help but wonder if Zacky’s love for him ran deeper, if he would ever find the strength to forgive him. Brian was going to leave him alone, of course.

They were doing things Zacky’s way. He wasn’t going to push anything.

The phone rang. He didn’t answer it. The message left behind said, “What the fuck, Bri, quit fucking Zacky and come to practice. We can’t do anything without you guys here.” Jimmy’s voice was angry, but not too pissed.

But the message made Brian sad again, because it implied that he was still with Zacky.

He went to his room and pulled out his guitar. He wanted to play, but he didn’t know if he could bring himself to do it. He was physically and mentally drained, all he wanted to do was lie in bed forever.

But he knew he couldn’t do that. He tuned his guitar and played a chord.

Zacky had said he was moving. Good. It would be better if he was as far away from Brian as he could get. Brian didn’t want to hurt him anymore.

His heart argued. ‘You know you’ll never hurt him again…’ it whispered to his mind, ‘You know you love him…’

And it was true, Brian did love Zacky. That was why he was willing to let him go.

However, he also wanted to call him. He wanted to call him and apologize and beg Zacky to take him back. “That wasn’t me!” he wanted to cry, “I was high on some crazy shit and it will never happen again, and I’m sorry.”

But as much as he wanted to blame his actions on the drug, it was still him, he was the one that had pushed Zacky down on the bed, held him down harshly.

Brian growled, slamming his head back against the wall. Such an idiot, such a stupid motherfucking idiot!

He washed his sheets. Zacky’s tears had fallen there. He washed his clothes, took a shower, tried to scrub the guilt and memories from his skin. But he couldn’t. No matter how much he rubbed his skin, until it was raw and bleeding in some places, he still felt just as dirty.

He ended up in the backyard that afternoon, laying on his back and looking up at the sky. Thunder sounded off in the distance and he watched as rain clouds began to gather. It was going to storm.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

He closed his eyes. “Jimmy-“

“You skipped out on practice to do this?” Jimmy asked, not meanly, sitting next to Brian on the ground. “What, is this enlightening or something?”

“I kinda want to be alone right now.” He whispered.

“Where’s Zacky?”

Brian shrugged. He remembered Val warning him, “Zacky’s fragile.” Yes, he was. Brian hadn’t heeded it, and now Brian had lost him.

“You genuinely just don’t know where he is or you guys are fighting or you’ve split or what?” Jimmy pressed.

“I don’t really know right now, Jimmy.” He replied. “I’d like to be alone. I’m a mess.”

Jimmy chuckled. “I’m gonna stay right here, then.”

Brian sighed, flinching in surprise as the first raindrop hit his cheek.

“Let’s go in.” Jimmy said, “Do you got any beer?”

Brian was not planning on getting intoxicated in a long time. But he slowly stood, following his best friend into the house.