Stage Lights And Shooting Stars

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when you live in his shadow, there's no stopping the break. and there's no controlling the damage it does.
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"Jesus Christ, Zoe hurry up!" Five words and the boy on the other side of the door has her frozen, midway through applying her mascara.
In her eyes, the door is trembling, threatening to fall off its hinges and let the monster in. Snarling and glaring with a wild grin, he'd cut her down with a swing of his fist. He'd leave her for dead and step over the remains and begin his routine.
And no one would care. No one would blame him because he's just like that, sometimes, and she should have known better. She should have known better.
They'd bury the remains with an ambiguous headstone: Murphy. Because all she got to be was a Murphy, because she was just his sister and really they'd rather him not have the reminder of his crimes because really all the cared about was forcing her into being a supporting character in his great story of anguish.
"Zoe!!!" He yells again and she flinches, continuing to work on her makeup. Now, she sees everything for what it is, the doorknob rattling, fist pounding against the door. He's still a monster, but now he's one she can handle. She swings the door open and tries to slide past, keeping her head down.
In his anger, Connor leaves his little sister a gift for her first day. Just below her eye, Zoe can already feel a light bruise forming. She screams, but no one listens and she continues down the stairs to an unhappy breakfast table.
"Now, Zoe you'll just have to get over that. You know that's just how he can be," Her father commented in response to Zoe's pleas not to ride to school with her brother.
"Just don't do anything else to upset him, honey." Her mom handed her a small ice pack wrapped up in a cloth.
"I didn't even do anything! You never get my side of things!" She sniffled, trying not to cry as she ran out to the car, waiting for Connor to come drive her to school.
_____
Freshmen year is hard, especially as the sister of Connor Murphy.
Connor Murphy, the psycho.
Connor Murphy, the meltdown.
Connor Murphy, the freak.
Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy.
_____
       " That's the one. She's the freak's sister."
       "She's just like him."
       "No wonder he's so skinny, look at her!"
    "I think they're abused."   
    "Don't get too close, those two are screwed up."
Drowning in the poison that laces their words, Zoe feels sick all of the time. She eats lunch on her own—usually in Connor's car. For her, the place that should have become a haven, a place where she could escape from the monster's grasp smelled of him, his hot breath breathing down her neck, preparing to peel her skin away layer by layer until he left her defenseless and her secrets were there for everyone to see. It would make them stop looking at him for once, if they knew just what was crawling around inside that head.
______
In the beginning of her junior year, Zoe laces her hair with dark purple dye. She cuts holes in her clothes and lines her lips in darker colors than before. Her mother screams, just screams to see the creature in place of her little girl, her little girl who she didn't notice. Her little girl who only matters now that she's gone.
______
    In a frightening way, it gives Zoe peace to know the upset she's caused her mother. And she hates herself for that.
    Almost as much as she hates Connor. Almost as much as she hates that boy he brings around the house. She never sees him, never wants to, but something about his presence just bothers her.
    How can Connor find someone while everyone continues to shoot her death glares and trip her everyday? It isn't fair. As a distraction, she throws herself into her music, constantly practicing and scrubbing her own song lyrics on anything she can get her hands on.
    When she has to, she plays classical. For recitals, she plays jazz. For herself, Zoe screams lyrics, spins on her heels and makes a mess of things. That is where her heart lies, the rest of the performances, the ones people see, are formalities.
_______
    Carrying her guitar in its case, Zoe hurries out of her jazz band concert. None of her family meet her outside, they're at home, eating dinner and arguing about Connor's addiction and that boy who doesn't come around anymore.
    Zoe keeps her head down and walks straight out the door, not wanting to watch her friends chatting with their families about "how hard this piece was" and how they're going out for district.
    "Z-Zoe?" He sort of appears in front of her, feet so close together she wonders how he keeps his balance.
    "Yeah?" She looks up from his shoes to see his face. He looks vaguely familiar, and extremely nervous.
    "Ijustwantedtosay" He takes a breath "you're, you're like really good. It um, looks like you have fun when you play." His brows raise and she takes a breath, trying to make sense of what he'd said.
    "Oh, thanks," she nods and smiles. "Evan, right?"
    "Yeah! Yeah Evan. I'm Evan." He smiles back, eyes sort of wide like he can't believe she knows who he is.
    "You're in class with Connor, right?"
    "Mhm."
    "I'm sorry." She isn't joking.
    "N-no! He's not that bad, he...he's never done anything to me, thatisnotwhyiamhere" Evan rubs his hands on his pants leg.
    "Really?" That's new. That's nice.
    "Y-yeah, actually I was wondering if..." the rest of his sentence is lost as he mumbles into his jacket.
    "If?"
    "Maybe...maybe you want to go out with me? I mean. Not out with me. I don't know why you would. God I just...I just like maybe you like ice cream? We could um...w-we could do that maybe? Or not I'm sorry I asked that's so stupid I'm sorry." Evan stands, practically petrified as he waits to hear from Zoe.
    "Evan?" Zoe looks at him. He looks like a light breeze might knock him over. "That would actually be really nice. I don't have many friends..." she smiles slightly. "I'd like that a lot."
______
    On Saturday, they get ice cream. On Sunday, Zoe shows Evan her favorite place to walk.
    Before long, they make long standing dates to watch movies in her room every Friday night. As college deadlines creep up on him, Evan only asks Zoe out twice before he gives up. He can't see how scared she is of their relationship souring.
    It isn't long after his final attempt that he finds someone new. He finds Connor and Zoe can't breathe when they're together because Evan was the one good thing. The one person who saw her as anything but Connor's sister.
_______
Oct 31

Hey we on tonight? ZM

Can't. Connor's driving me to a haunted house. EH

You hate those. ZM

Yeah, well EH
_______
Nov 13

Hey, Ev, we're still on for tomorrow right? ZM

Actually... EH

Zoe? EH

Are you mad? EH
______
    Staring down at her phone, she doesn't see Jared—who feels familiar, though she knows they've never been around each other for more than five minutes—when he comes around a corner.
    "Shit! I'm sorry I wasn't looking." She stares down at the papers she's dropped. Mostly it's her own music, but Swan Lake peeks out over the top.
    "No, no it was...Swan Lake? I didn't know you're into classical."
    "I kind of have to be. When I'm here, at least." She shrugs, nose wrinkling.
    "Oh, yeah." The hurt she hears in his voice hangs in the air even when he's gone. And she feels awful. But she can't bring herself to follow him and apologize. She shoves the papers into her bag and hurries out to Connor's car.
_______
Dec 2

Hey Zoe I know it's really last minute but do you have plans tonight? JK

I've got some tickets. The Nutcracker. If you want to go? JK

It's fine if you don't. Just, Evan was supposed to go and I thought maybe you'd like to go. JK

For real? ZM

Dude was supposed to have movie night with me. He ditched me for Connor ZM

I'll go. Sounds...alright ZM

I'll pick you up around four. JK

Sounds good :) ZM

Thanks, Zoe JK

{ a/n: I developed this au/plot with a pal. Check out their version of this (more from Jared's POV, I think) on Archive Of Our Own "The Minor Fall, the Major Lift"

As always, I'll update this ASAP (haha yeah don't trust me)

~Alex}