Love Buzz - Kurt Cobain Fanfic

Chapter Fifty Eight

Two weeks later
Life is odd. It can make you shed tears from overwhelming happiness, or make you cling to the floor as your heart breaks. Just like that, your world shakes beneath your feet before you even have the time to realize it.
I held my daughter close to my chest as I walked through the hospital, feeling like i was trapped in some sort of sick, reoccurring nightmare.
"Daddy!!" Frances squealed for the millionth time.
I shut my eyes tightly, trying not to let my emotions get the best of me and cause me to snap. She had talked about Kurt non stop, and I could hardly bear it.
"Frances..please stop. This is hard enough, baby. I know you want him. I do too." I kissed her little forehead, wanting nothing more than to give her what she wanted.
Her father.
Krist was now suddenly by my side without me even noticing it.
"Jade..here. Let me take Frances for a minute. You look like you're about to collapse." 
I handed her over, and told him that I was going to step outside to smoke.
I needed a few moments to gather my head.
I was sure I was on the verge of a breakdown.
I sat on a bench, digging in my pocket for a lighter, when my hand suddenly hit a piece of folded up paper.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me." My heart sank as I quickly pulled it out.
"Damn you, Kurt Cobain." I whispered to myself, a few tears hitting the paper in the process.
I began reading the note with my name on it, feeling as if my soul was going to come out of my body.

"Jade,
   So, here I am again. Writing another note of pointless nothings. Why? Because it doesn't matter what this fucking note says. I have failed. And I have failed you over and over again. I'm sorry that you chose to fall in love with a whiny, pissy, moody, washed up junkie. I look at you, and then I  look at myself, and none of it even makes sense. You chose to take the last name of a waste of space. I'm sure it makes you feel great to know I've let you down again. Not only you, but our child. She doesn't even know that her father is a fucking drug addict. Guess what? She will. Someday she will be sitting in school, and all her classmates will harass her about being "that rockstar's drug baby". I cannot bear the thought, Jade. It eats me alive. Just like myself. I am eating myself alive. I am withering away to pure scum. I'm sorry. Again.
I just want it to stop.
Make it stop.
I can't stop.
I love you so fucking much.
So so so so much.
-Kurdt"
I gripped the note in my trembling hands, and put it back into my pocket.
"I refuse to give up on you, Kurt. I refuse."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kurt's point of view
 
~One day before~

    I began to sink. Down, down into the deep once again. I was slipping away, watching my little girl and my angel of a wife desperately try to cling to my hands as I fell into the depths.
I wouldn't take them down with me.
No way.
But, I suppose it would be inevitable not to, at this point. They are glued to me. Locked to me forever.
I wish I could apologize to them for slipping away so many times.
I wish I could swear to the both of them that I will forever be here for them to count on. 
"Kurt, ten minutes till show time." Dave popped his head into the door of the dressing room that I was now sitting alone in.
"Woohoo!" I blurted out, sarcastically before angrily knocking over the ash tray on the table.
Ten more minutes until I get to walk onto the stage in front of thousands of people and pretend like I'm enjoying it.
Not anymore. My passion is now a job. I sometimes wonder why there isn't a place to clock in before going on stage.
Too often, it feels like work lately.
My fears of burning out and no longer finding joy in the dream I had achieved, have finally come true.
My burning stomach ached and throbed as I felt more tears forming in my eyes.
How was I going to play a show when I barely had the energy to walk across the room?
I suddenly felt utterly alone in the world. 
Lost in the blackness, no answers.
I had screamed at Jade until she had reached the point of tears, and left the room.
I didn't blame her one bit.
I was horrible to her, and I hated myself for it.
If only she knew how I looked at her.
If only she knew how greatly she radiated.
I wasn't angry with her. I was angry with myself.
I wish I had the strength to be better for her. For Frances.
The demons in my head had broke down my door, and they were yelling loudly, their mouths wide open, teeth oozing with drool and ready to consume me.
I took what little energy I had left inside of me, grabbed my coat, and snuck out the door, and down the back hall. I walked as quickly as I could, knowing they'd come for me soon. It had to have been ten minutes already, and I was soon reminded of that when I heard an insanely loud roaring of the crowd in the near distance of the words
"We want Kurt! We want Kurt!"
I slung the hood of my coat up over my head, and walked out the back door into the cold night, slamming it behind me in pure rage.
"Kurt is gone."