the lockbox [richie tozier x eddie kaspbrak]

001

Eddie has always been weird. Hell, he's part of a group of kids that are called the loser's club. He's always been the odd one with a fanny pack that takes more pills than he takes breaths. Oh yeah, he also has that annoying asthma thing. But that gets him out of participating in gym so that's nice. He also is a huge germaphobe; that's the factor that Eddie likes to think started it all.

It was a Tuesday when they were fourteen and all the losers -except Bev, the only girl- are huddled inside Ben's bedroom looking at a porn magazine that Richie stole from the local pharmacy. It was sunny out, not warm but not cold. Eddie was wearing shorts for some reason even though it was no longer summer. He had on a large sweatshirt that he thinks used to be Bill's. Eddie remembers every detail about this day because this was where shit really started to go downhill for him (and that's saying something because he's already a short hypochondriac, asthmatic, germaphobe who is in the infamous losers' club of Derry).

"She's h-hot." Bill stated with a small strain in his voice. Eddie looks up at his friends, examining them all. They have red faces with a weird look in their eyes as Stan flips open the magazine. It's Playboy, a new September issue that just came out the week before. Mike and Richie have been non stop talking about how amazing the cover was when they saw it on the shelf in the pharmacy.

"Boobs are so nice." Mike says as they examine the first page. Eddie looks back at the magazine with little awe. It's a blonde girl -well the top half of her- wearing only glitter. Her breasts are huge, way bigger than Eddie thought possible, with hard small nipples. Eddie feels nothing as he looks at the picture. Sure she's pretty but he is more interested in how long it probably took her to get the glitter off. Eddie's mom would force him to take at least 3 showers.

He shakes his head. Be normal, dude.

"Turn it to the fold out," Richie scampers, trying to turn the page but is stopped by Stan.

"No, we need to go page by page!" Stan fights back, placing a hand on the magazine so Richie can't touch it. His fingers covers up one of the nipples. The glasses wearing boy opens his mouth to fight back but Ben beats him to it.

"Can't we just turn to the fold out real quickly and then we can go through the others?" Ben offers, his face seems redder than the rest of them. There is a beat of silence where all the boys glance at each other, a wave of awkwardness circles around but is ignored.

"Fine." Stan flips the magazine to the middle and unfolds the large, almost poster-like picture. Everyone leans in except Eddie. In fact he takes a small step back.

"Fucking yowza." Richie breaths out. Eddie looks at the picture, the picture that haunts him everyday and not in the good way. It's a blonde again, her breasts perky and even bigger than the other girls. Her lower half is clean shaven and she is kneeling in a pile of what seems to be dirt. One dirt covered hand is sitting on her inner thigh. The other hand, also covered in dirt, is against her lips where her open mouth is basically eating the dirt.

That's so gross, Eddie thinks. There are so many germs in dirt. So many unknown bugs and diseases. There could be worms in there just waiting to crawl out. God forbid they crawl out now! She's not wearing any clothes! Eddie would die if he fell naked in dirt, he would need so many showers and shots to make sure he doesn't die.

Suddenly the others are talking about the chick. Pointing out how hot she is and how sexy she is and how much fun they would have with her. Bill makes a comment about masturbation. That's enough for Eddie. He doesn't speak up, in fact he just takes two steps back and sits down at Ben's desk chair. The boys don't notice his absence. He looks at his friends with self-hate and wipes his sweaty hands on his shorts as his thoughts run around in his head.

Why isn't he flustered like them? Why doesn't he have a boner? Why doesn't he feel that weird butterfly feeling in his stomach? Why is he more focused and worried about the dirt on the woman instead of herself? Why can't he speak? Why can't he join in with his friends? Why can't he talk about how good he'll fuck her? Why, why, why?

Eddie flinches. Is it because he doesn't like girls? He is gay right? Probably. He does think more about boys than he does about girls. Once he cuddled with Mike and Richie after a movie, he pretended he didn't like their presence more than normally. He likes to think he was just hopped up on popcorn and candy when he debated kissing Richie that night.

Richie likes both boys and girls, he told Eddie once during one of their late night walks through the neighborhood. Maybe that's why Eddie comes to his senses so fast. He's gay. It's obvious. The lack of feelings he has towards the girls in the magazine are because he's gay.

Nothing else. There's nothing else there.

Right?

Wrong.

A wave of knowing and confusion hit him. Eddie itches his arm at the reminder of the germs on her as looks down at the floor of Ben's bedroom. It's dirty, needs to be vacuumed. He looks at the walls. They're covered in posters and pictures, all covering up the white walls. Dirty. He looks back at his friends and the magazine. They are flipping through different girls. Dirty, so dirty.

He closes his eyes instead. The image of two boys kissing appears behind his eyes. That's nice. Not dirty. One of the boys looks like him and the other looks like-. Suddenly they have no clothes on and they're touching each other's chests and thighs. Eddie watches as non-him moves his hand towards clone-him's crotch. As soon as the hand reaches clone-him's dick Eddie's eyes snap open.

"Dirty." He says, finding himself standing up with all his friends' eyes on him. They look concerned yet annoyed.

"W-what's wrong E-Eddie?" Bill asks nicely. Eddie's face is red as he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. What does he even say? That he thinks he's gay? He feels dirty? Why does he feel dirty though? Is it because of the girl? Or because of the gay boys? Or is it the-?

"You cum in your pants already?" Richie teases, his voice odd though, as if he's nervous even to say the joke. So unlike Richie. The thought of cum in his pants makes Eddie's head hurt. He reaches both arms up and begins to scratch at his shoulders, they feel so dirty, so many germs. Eddie hears Stan beep Richie.

"I'm going home." Eddie announces, his voice feels like it didn't even come from his mouth. His dirty body - God everything is so dirty, so many germs. His breath is a bit heavy, his hand goes to his fanny pack, ready to grab his inhaler.

He doesn't listen to what his friends say as he busts out of Ben's house and bikes home. When Eddie gets gome he takes an hour shower, something his mom smiles about when he gets out of the bathroom. He sits on his bed, just a towel wrapped around his waist. Eddie stares at his hands in his lap.

His breath is still heavy but nothing extreme. Usually all this thinking would be giving him an asthma attack. He looks at his inhaler on his bedside table with longing. Maybe if he had an asthma attack he wouldn't feel so dirty. So ashamed. So curious. Yet, so...relieved?

He thinks about the two boys kissing again. He thinks about kissing another boy. Eddie smiles, feeling happy for a second. As soon as he starts thinking about the two boys doing more things -sexual things- Eddie feels his skin beginning to crawl. He feels all the germs on his body, all moving and skinning deeper into him.

Eddie takes another shower.

He doesn't think about how when he closes his eyes he sees the two boys getting closer and closer to doing something sexual. He doesn't think about how much his skin crawls at these scenes. He just scrubs his arms cleaner and harder. If only he could do the same for his thoughts.

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So, that's the first chapter! Hope you like it x

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Love,
Jolene