Lacrimo

Monday 8:55 27/11/17

Dear Mom,
I'm giving this to you because I can't find the strength to say it out loud. I just want you to read the entire thing, then you can ask me questions. I understand that you might not like what is in this message but I need you to read it.

Sometimes I feel alone at home, it's a reason for why I get so panicked on holidays. (my oldest sister's name) is the oldest, she had four years of you and dad to herself, (my other sister's name) complains all the time about being the middle child, which gets her the most attention. Then there is (my twin brother's name) and I, we are the youngest, but he is the only boy in the family, I feel left out. I hate feeling like this because I know you love me but I still feel like this. To make it even "better" no one listens to me sometimes, I understand that sometimes people don't want to listen to me, but it isn't hard to listen at least once.

When I feel terrible, I wait alone in my room, I don't know what for, but I am still waiting, always waiting for something. I remember the day, in the first house in England, I wanted to eat at the table by the kitchen so I could see the garden, no one joined me, not even you. I was still waiting then. Throughout the nights in Amsterdam I waited, crying softly waiting for you. You never came and sometimes I feel like that has not changed.

I don't know you or dad, besides that you guys are my parents. You are still strangers to me, maybe it is because of boarding school or that dad is only home on the weekends, but you guys are strangers to me, and I want to get to know you, because right now I feel no connection.

Everyone has problems, sometimes they are small and sometimes they are difficult to deal with. Have you thought about mine? It is a very insensitive question to ask but, when I ask if I can come home from school, it shouldn't be taken as a suggestion. When you say "try to last the week" it always annoys and hurts me. If I am telling you that I hate this place, I mean it, I am past the breaking point, I have tried so hard to last as long as possible, but sometimes the "week" is too long, and I want to go home. Everyone has problems but mine are physically hurting me, please take mine more seriously, how do you think I feel when you say "I'll get you out by the end of the week"? It gives me hope but every time you break those promises it hurts more than anything, when I say I can't make it, I mean it.

We both know that I am getting worse, and I want to get better, but we can't ignore that I am getting worse. I just want to go home, school isn't for me, and you know that. I hate it in any school, I never have a good time, I don't feel that I ever will.

Sorry for causing you so much trouble but it hurts and I want it to stop, you are slowly getting better at dealing with me. I hope you know I love you very much and I'm sorry if anything I said hurt you.
Will you help me get through this, because I can't do it alone.