Hold Me While My World Falls

Chapter Fifteen

It was quiet in the house. Castiel was passed out in Claire's room, too exhausted to notice his missing boyfriend. Sam was asleep in the guest bedroom with his two little girls, squeezing every last drop out of this last night. Jody was sleeping in her bed.

There was no light except for the moon that cast shadows through the living room window. The couch where Dean sat rigid was half in darkness and half in reflected tree branches. The space in front of him wasn't very bright. If he stared long enough before blinking, he could see the darkness shift and change the way it did on hunts. He absently wished for a bottle in his empty hand.

The room was silent, but Dean's head was deafening.  How did things get this bad? Just a little while ago he'd had a life himself. He hadn't ruined Castiel's. His nieces still had a happy father. What if he wasn't here? It would make things better. That could be better than a sorry. It would make everything good, him not being here.

Castiel would mourn him, absolutely, but eventually he'd return to his family and be happy once more. All his time with Dean would fade into a distant smile. The thought sent a wave of hurt through him, but he was used to it. It wasn't the first time he'd thought like this.

Sam would get to stay with his kids. He wouldn't have his big brother dragging him all over hill and dale on hunts. He could be normal. Dean was the main person all the bump-in-the-night creatures wanted dead. Sam could be safe, and raise his girls. They wouldn't have to grow up so soon.

Even Jody would be better off without him. She'd worry less. The chore of cooking for a stupid grunt like him would disappear. She wouldn't need to watch Sam's kids. Hell, she probably didn't even want him helping her make dinner today. She probably just gave him something to do so he wasn't bugging her like a bratty kid.

Everything would be good, if he wasn't here. Dean stood up from the couch. He could end all of the hurt he caused. Dean walked to the trunk of his car and opened it up. He was expendable. He reached for the silver revolver and a bullet. He didn't need to destroy the people he loved. He put the gun up to his head. He could make everything all better, for everyone.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. He closed his eyes.

     

"Dean!" Castiel screamed.

Dean's eyes flew open. "Cas, I -"

"Put the fucking gun down!" Castiel shouted. He felt sick as he walked down the porch steps.

"Go back inside." Dean's voice trembled pitifully.

"No." Castiel shook his head. "I'm not gonna leave you."

Dean's fingers tightened around the gun he'd lowered. "Go back inside!" He yelled furiously, staring relentlessly in front of him. "Just let me do this!"

Castiel shook his head again. "Dean," he whispered, taking a step closer. "Dean, look at me. Please, Dean." He was no more than a foot away now.

Dean continued looking at the ground. He'd been so close to ending his life, and Castiel had found him in the act. "Cas, I can't do this anymore."

"I thought we-"

"This isn't about you and I." Dean looked up, his eyes full of sadness. His eyebrows drew together. "Cas, I'm a monster. I destroy the things I love. I've already killed Sammy, I won't do that to you. Please, just let me go. You can do so much better. Everything would be better without me." His voice was little more than a mumble.

Castiel shook his head slowly. "How can you not see how much you mean?" He asked, quiet. "How do you think for a second, that I'd be better off without you? Before I met you, I was lonely. I lived in a big house with my dick of a brother for company. Yes, okay, I had a family. And yes, I love them and I miss them terribly. But they're nothing compared to you. Even if I would let you kill yourself," Castiel made a grab for the gun, and Dean allowed it to slip from his hold. "I would spend the rest of my life waiting to be with you again. Dean, baby, I know it's hard. I'm sorry things are so bad. However, I also know you have me right beside you. And, honey? I'm not about to leave." Castiel placed his free hand on Dean's cheek, using his thumb to wipe a tear. "I'm sorry, Dean, but you're not allowed to leave me like this. Breaking up is always an option, though I'm sure that's not happening, but I won't let you end your life. You have so much ahead of you."