The Unextraordinary Life of Alexandra Jane (Editing)

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Cutting Hair

Another strand of hair falls down on the floor as I cut another strand of Alex's hair. I pull the scissors away from her head and look into her hazel eyes. They're blank and unreadable, staring off into the distance somewhere behind me. 

It's been a weeks and Alex still hasn't spoken a word since the night of the dance. When I brought her home, she slept until the next day when she woke up screaming and thrashing in my bed, I had dozed off into my own sleep until I heard her chilling scream ring throughout the house. 

I stayed up the rest of the night in case she had another nightmare, she didn't. 

She hasn't eaten much either. I've tried cooking but I can't cook for shit so I ended up ordering her favorite mushroom pizza, but she had one bite then fell back to sleep. She's been living off oreos and peanut butter the past week, but I don't care as long as she eats.

She only gets out of bed to shower or use the bathroom and even then she looks like a zombie, moving and breathing but lifeless. 

Her hair had reached her lower back and I know how much she hates long hair so today I pulled her into the restroom and sat her on the toilet. I don't know how to cut hair but I knew she wouldn't want to leave the house anyway to go get it cut.

So I'm doing it for her and I'm worried that she's too nice to tell me anything or she just doesn't give a fuck anymore. Lately I've been doing a lot for her, feeding her, talking for her when my mom asks her questions and all she does is stare into empty space. I want to so badly hear her voice but I don't want to push her further away from me either. 

I snip a straight line that makes her hair reach her shoulders just the way she likes it. 

I place a finger under her chin and force her to look at me giving her a genuine smile

"You look beautiful" I say as soft as I can manage while looking into her spiritless face

But her reaction is the same as it's been for days, neutral, indifferent. She just stares at me until her eyes begin to get glossy and she's forced to look away before the tears come

I sigh and stand up from the kneeling position I'm in, and walk to the kitchen to get a broom to clean up Alex's hair from the ground.

Alex's POV 

I stare at the strands of hair sprawled around the ground like strands of me that are somehow being cut from the person I am now. I want to know why I always have this constant weight pushing down on my chest. A suffocating weight that threatens to crush my chest at any second. 

I want to remember what it was like when I was happy, when I didn't worry about boys or brothers or friends. When all I needed was my moms love and Harry's comfort. I try so hard to remember but I can't 

I think about all the what if's and all the why's that exist in this world. Like why is the sky blue and why are berries called berries. I think about how everyone goes on about their day not stopping to ask why or what if. Like what if the sky was purple instead of blue or what if men got pregnant instead of woman or what if I ceased to exist. 

What would I miss? What would my heart not have to endure? What if my heart stopped beating?

I could end it. End the constant feeling of panic. The panic I feel when Harry turns out the light or when I shut my eyes to sleep and see only darkness. When I close my eyes to rinse the shampoo from my hair, the panic returns making my heart race. I could end the suffocation, the feeling of not breathing when you're drowning gasping for a bit of air but never being able to get. Like when you're hurting and no amount of medicine or sleep or love and comfort could ever heal the gaping wound that's in my heart. I could just end it all.

"Alex stop!" I look up to see Harry reaching for my hand and I drop the scissors instantly

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" his voice is loud and hurts my head

I look up at him for the first time in days and see the anger slowly boiling into his veins

"Well?" he spits and I flinch at his sudden anger. 

"Do you think you can just do this? Leave like a fucking coward? End it as if that will help?"

He spreads his arms at his sides waiting for an answer I don't have

"No Alex it fucking won't, it will make everything worse for everyone around you! Your mom will be devastated that the only good thing that happened to her decided to take the easy way out! Jackie your fucking best friend will be left to deal with Rachel's bullshit and what if Niall decides to dip? Who will be there for her! And me! Alex I know I'm being selfish but so are you!"

He points from his chest to mine, his voice coming out hoarse as the veins in his neck pop out

"I need you more than fucking anyone on this damned planet and you're willing to just leave me! Leave me here to deal with life alone after everything that's happened between us! You're being fucking selfish! I've gone through shit too remember."

I wince as the memories begin to play like a movie in my mind. Last year we both went through a shitty moment but we got through it, together and now I don't know if we're still in it together. Harry begins to pace the space in front of me, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyebrows pushed together in anger.

"Gemma dying in that fucking car crash last year made me want to die, you fucking know that, but I didn't kill myself! I drank every day from then on until you told me you would never speak to me ever again and what did I do? I fucking stopped because if I didn't have you I wouldn't have anyone and I rather die than not have you in my life Alex! I know you're going through shit"

He slams his hands down on the sink counter his shoulders heaving with each exhale and inhale.

Tears begin to stream down my face as his words hit me like a bus, he notices and kneels down next to me taking my hands in his. 

"We got through a lot of bullshit in our past, but we can still get through more. We didn't suffer for nothing, don't let all our fighting go to waste. I know you're hurting and I know there's nothing I can do help but you can get through this, I know you can and I'll be with you every step of the way I promise. I need you Alex" 

Harry's eyes bore into mine with such certainty and fire that I can't look away. I only nod once and look down at my hands not looking up at him

I want to know why I feel this way and when I'll stop feeling this way but in order to do that my life must go on. I'm going to live my life day by day and try my hardest to forget the pain in my chest because when my fingers tangle themselves into his hair or when I stare into his beautiful green eyes or when I see the grin form on his face that makes his dimples show, I know that I won't be alone and for now, that's enough for me.

Harry's POV 

I forget about the hair on the ground and lift her into my arms and take her to my bed, setting her down as gently as I can. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to push me away from her like she did the first couple of days. I pull the covers over her body and tuck a loose strand of short hair behind her ear as she closes her eyes to sleep

I watch her fall asleep from the couch I've learned to get comfortable in 

She almost did it. Alex had the end of the scissors pressed against the vein on her wrist, if she would have pressed a tad bit harder it surely would have pierced the skin and I would have lost her. 

I close my eyes and try to shake the image from my head. I open them to see she's already sleeping and letting out soft breaths

I want to go over to her and kiss her. Kiss her lips and finally know what they're like. Kiss her forehead to calm her thoughts. Kiss her heart to make it stop hurting. I want to kiss her scars and show her that we all have scars that make us who we are it's just that some of us have deeper wounds that are easier to cover up than others. I want to show her that she is worth living a life full of happiness and love a life she could have with me if she wanted. 

I want to show Alexandra Jane how extraordinary life can be

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