Escaped Thoughts

[vent] Mother

11.26.17

Mother,

There is a reason

I never tell you

Why I'm upset.

It's because whenever I do

You always reply

"Well it's not all about you"

Or

"You can't have everything your way"

Or

"Other people are going through the same thing and getting over it, so why can't you?"

And it really just makes me feel worse.

I'm not TRYING TO FUCKING COMPLAIN.

It's just that you asked me a FUCKING question

And I simply ANSWERED your GODDAMNED question.

I'm NOT complaining.

I'm telling you why I'm upset or sad or depressed or WHATEVER THE FUCK IM FEELING

because YOU ASKED ME.

It is EXPECTED OF ME to ANSWER your QUESTION HONESTLY

THATS LITERALLY ALL IM FUCKING DOING.

and then you're here FUCKING ATTACKING ME FOR SOMETHING THAT ALREADY MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT

LIKE, MOM, HOW DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME FEEL?

BETTER?

CAUSE IT SURE AINT FUCKING MAKING ME FEEL LESS SHITTY

Honestly, I

I don't even fucking know

I already know these things

Because you keep saying them to me over and over again

I know there's nothing I can do about it

I know that I can't change it just for me

I know the world doesn't revolve around me

I know other people have it worse than me

But, can't you see that I still need help?

That I still need some level of comfort

Something other than your shitty attacks?

Something other than your fucking criticism?

Something other than your stupid-ass lines that you keep repeating over and over again?

Something other than the things you've been saying to be for the past few years?

Can't you see that they're not working?

I still feel shitty and awful and dull and sad and broken even after you "comfort" me.

Haven't you noticed it's not fucking working?

And why now, all of a sudden, are you sooo interested?

Your constantly asking me now.

Before, it was occasionally when you'd actually notice.

But now,

Your always sticking your nose in

Asking

"are you depressed~?"

And it makes me feel dumb and invalid the way you say it

The tone you use is like you're mocking me.

Like, it's like you won't take me seriously.

I

I don't know what to fucking do

It's hard enough by myself

But when you're constantly here

Bugging me

And attacking me

And making me FEEL WORSE

Helps in NO FUCKING WAY

Look mom.

You're making me cry.

And write a 500 word rant.

About how YOU'RE one of the reasons why I'm upset.

Ha.

It's funny.

You're trying to help.

But you're really making things worse.

It'd be better if you just fucking stayed out of it.

I was better off without you sticking your nose in my shit.

Fuck off mom.

Fuck you

And your shitty-ass "comforting"

I was better alone.

I was better without your help.