Almost Friends

Chapter 23- Kyle

Chapter Twenty-Three

Kyle

Getting Help

I push my sheet off of me, roll onto my side, and glance at my clock.

1:42 AM.

I haven't had insomnia like this in forever. I sit up and glance at my computer.

In all honesty, I know why I can't sleep. This happens anytime my brain gets overloaded with worry, and all night I've been thinking about what Meagan said the other day.

I don't want to die. I have plans, things I want to do with my life ... but I don't want to eat. I really don't. As crazy as that sounds, I'm scared of food. In my head, eating food means getting fatter and getting fatter means never becoming the pop icon that I know I can be. I have a fantastic voice, but the industry is ruthless and I can't be sure it will accept me if I'm anything less than perfect.

At the same time, however, I can't imagine living my entire life like this- passing out, feeling weak, guilty, and disgusting? Meagan's right, this isn't normal.

I run my hands through my hair, my eyes watering.

Just that apple I had at lunch and then the salad for dinner—even that was too much. I wanted to throw up.

Why am I so screwed up that I can't even eat like a normal person? What's wrong with me?

Tears creep down my cheeks and though I'm alone in the dark, I can't help but feel ashamed of my tears. In other countries, people are starving to death and I'm sitting here crying because I can't properly starve myself. Am I insane?

Sniffing, I ease out of bed and pad to my computer. After typing in my password, I go to Google and type, "How to get rid of anorexia" into the search box. I click on one of the most legit-looking websites and wipe away another tear.

I can't believe I'm still crying ... good grief.

Lacing my hands together, I take a deep breath and read the webpage that fills my screen.

"When you struggle to overcome an eating disorder, you might feel like you're losing control over the one thing in your life you've been able to control. It can be difficult for others to understand you're feelings, and maybe you don't even completely understand your own emotions. Despite this, you can beat anorexia ..."

More tears form in my eyes, and this time I don't wipe them away.

I scroll down and scan a list of toll-free numbers that will supposedly put me in touch with a counselor.

If I let this thing defeat me, I could die. And how can I reach my goals if I'm dead?

My decision made, I reach for my phone.