Belligerent

04

Loneliness. 

Every person in the world is lonely at some point but,loneliness doesn't necessarily mean you lack people in your life. There are different kinds of being lonely. One in particular is even though you got a few circle of friends, you still feel like something is missing. But loneliness is not just about how one feels. Being in this state of mind can make someone act and behave differently,too, because you can feel as though you have less control over yourself, which could most likely drive you to be aggressive towards other people. 

Sometimes, people erroneously think that the only way to get out of the never-ending loop of loneliness is to simply communicate with a few more people. But on the other hand, it does work on certain cases, yet loneliness is much less about the number of contacts that you get to know and it is more about how your perspective of the world is. When one becomes lonely, they start to act and see the world more differently. 

One might start to feel stressed in situations in which somebody else's may appear to cope better compared to them, and even though they get sufficient sleep, they don't feel well-rested during the day. One may begin noticing the threats in your surroundings attentively. Another might have expectations of being easily rejected more often. While the rest may become more judgmental of the people they interact with. 

As a result, they slowly start distancing themselves from you. Which takes you back to square one of the cycle of loneliness. 

The gradual sound of a loud alarm going off woke me up.

My eyes were still groggy as I tried shutting the alarm off. I felt myself knock over a few things off of the nightstand before my arm finally landed on my phone. As soon as I hit the snooze button on my phone, I snuggled myself back underneath the warm blankets. Memories from last night replayed through my thoughts. I felt my old self back and running again. The feeling was what it felt like the first time I had myself smiling. It felt..nice and comforting. I opened my eyes and stared at the window's walls. It has been too long that I didn't bother decorating my room to a preference that I liked. 

The more I stared at the empty room in front of me, the emptiness of the room gave a new sense of comfort that I couldn't understand. A small knock was heard on my door and I saw Sangwoo peer over the door. 

"Hey, Good morning. I, um, made you breakfast?", he said pushing the door, revealing a small wooden tray on his hands. I smiled at him sleepily, "Thank you, Sang." 

He came closer, setting the tray beside the bed and sat down on the end of the bed, "Figured you missed your favorite breakfast", he replied. I chuckled softly and playfully smacked a pillow at him. "Do you mind if I invade the sheets with you?" 

I shook my head and pushed the blankets away. 

"How come its so cold yet its so warm underneath these thin sheets? Is there secretly a heater installed under your mattress?" I laughed at him and snuggled with the blanket. This was the side I liked of Sangwoo. Only I was able to see that comfortable, vulnerable side of him. Behind his cold appeal, there is warmth hiding behind those cold eyes. 

I inched closer to him and embraced him, "I really don't feel like coming in for work today", I said. He fell silent for a quick second and felt him gently brush his hands through my hair. "Well then don't. You don't have to worry", he replied. 

"How about you? Don't you think it would rather be suspicious if Jae or anyone from our department to see both of us not at work?", I said. 

"I took a day or two off, figured I needed a break from the precinct", he said. "Sangwoo, if this is about-"

"Its not. Work has been crazy and you know that", he continued. I looked back at him to see nothing but a blank expression on his face. "What? Don't look at me like that, plus I can't handle seeing Jae and his small fan club always lurking around the lobby", he said in a jokingly manner. We both laughed at it and let the rest of the morning do its own thing.

𖧷

"Wow I forgot how you used to draw so much back then." 

After the mere realization I had this morning regarding my room and basically this whole apartment, I decided to make it more homey and find the comfort that I had not been feeling after getting the keys to this apartment. 

"How long have you had all of this kept away?", Sangwoo said, eyeing a few pieces of the old artworks packed on the boxes. "Maybe for a bit now", I replied, grabbing this specific project I remember working on closely back in the day. I looked at the paper canvas in front of me and realized I had never finished. Half of it was bare and needed a bit of adjusting on the details. I couldn't recall where or when I had done the canvas in my hands. 

"Something wrong?", Sangwoo asked, while looking at me. 

"I never finished one of them", I replied, showing the canvas to Sangwoo. 

"Well, are you still able to?", he asked back. I glanced back at the canvas and shook my head in disappointment. The truth is, I could. But I can't bring myself to pick up another pencil. Art and crafts has always been a big part of me growing up. Every time I had the chance, I always grabbed those one time opportunities even if what I loved doing wasn't promising for me. My relatives back then never understood how a child like me who's parents were working with the government, preferred a set of Crayola rather than a suit case and pen. 

My parents, on the other hand, never criticized me for it. In fact, they continued supporting me. Before my brother died, I had always dreamed of becoming a visual arts enthusiast. I wanted to show my relatives that taking art as serious as taking an entrance test to a police academy can make a difference in my life too. Unfortunately, an accident occurred that ended my chances of becoming what I had always wished to be. 

As cruel as it sounds, I couldn't bare the responsibilities that were left behind by both my parents and my late brother. I ended up leaving everything and entering the academy with the help of some of my dad's friends. At first, our relatives were pretty shocked at the news but its not as if they had expected that I would eventually take on and continue the legacy between my parents. 

Sangwoo himself was shocked too. 

"This whole room just reminds me of your old room back then", Sangwoo said, while setting the last piece on the wall. 

"You mean the room you and Jun always invade whenever possible?", I replied, leaning on the wall. 

Sangwoo chuckled, "Your room was always clean and comfortable to stay in, you can't blame me". I playfully rolled my eyes at him and slouched on top of the bed. 

𖧷