Light in Dark Places

Chapter Six

The next morning is, improbably, worse than the one before. You are never going to amount to anything. You're a failure. You should just die.

Benedict rolls over, buries his head under a pillow in attempts to suffocate the anxiety out of him.

*

The tarot card for the day is Death and it makes him more nervous than The Moon. Two Major Arcana cards in a row can't be good.

He knows, like every child does, that Death is not death, not a bad omen. It is transformation, change. But when has change ever been a good thing in his life? Change makes him more nervous than death.

Benedict still feels echoes everywhere. Something is wrong with me, he thinks. His Ash is malfunctioning. He's never heard of someone's Ash malfunctioning before; he's never heard any stories of someone dying from their Ash, but that doesn't mean he couldn't be the first one, does it?

He wants to stay home from school.

He gets out of bed anyway.

*

"What is wrong with you?" Henderson asks in the morning. "You've been such a freak lately."

What is wrong with me? Benedict asks himself. He wants to know the answer to that, too.

*

At lunch time he sits with a crowd of people who are not his friends.

Benedict has been in a lot of schools (more high schools than the average kid these days rightly should ever be in) and all things considered, these people should have nothing to do with him.

Henderson is Master-Classed Ash, and all his friends are either Master-Class or Average. They shouldn't have anything to do with a Barely-Class Ash like Benedict, much less a Placeless kid who transferred into their school two years ago and never lost the stigma as the new guy.

But early on in Freshman year, Henderson had been caught cheating off of Benedict's test in algebra. The teacher asked Benedict to stay after class but Benedict didn't say anything about Henderson. Henderson seemed to think this meant Benedict was OK, and Benedict, for the first time in his life, had a group.

They were not the popular crowd, but they weren't the complete rejects either, and Benedict figured if he could keep his head down and not attract attention he could spend the rest of his Academy years without ever being the reject (without anyone ever noticing him at all).

"We should do something fun," Thomas says, his left leg bouncing up and down in rapid agitation. Thomas' leg was always tapping. It drove Benedict crazy even though he never said anything.

"I know! We should totally go on a joyride in the desert, don't you think?" Henderson says. (Benedict puts his head down in his hands, sinking into the lunch bench. The echo is just as bad today as it was yesterday).

"No way," Susie says. Susie has the shiniest hair Benedict has ever seen. Shiny blonde hair and shiny lips and shirts always cut low. "It's dangerous outside of the city!"

"Come on, babe, that's the fun, don't you think?" Henderson says, slinging his arm around her.

"I'm not scared," Mallory says. "I think it would be fun."

"I don't know, man. The Mountain King's protection doesn't extend to the desert—" Eric says.

(Listen to Eric, Benedict wants to say. Listen to Susie, please, please, so I don't have to say anything. Please listen to them).

"Misery doesn't come to the desert," Henderson says. "Come on, don't be lame. We'll grab some of my dad's whiskey and set off some firecrackers at night."

"It's—it's not a good idea—"

Benedict looks around the table to see who spoke and then is surprised to find that it was him.

Everyone stares at him.

"Ashes, Benny. You've been so weird lately," Henderson says. "No one's going to make you come."

That would be worse—wouldn't it? If they left him behind. He'd be left behind always. They wouldn't want to be near him anymore and he'd lose what little protection he had in this school.

But the echo is so loud it hurts.

don't go don't go don't go don't go don't go don't go

*

"Oi, Benedict! How are you feeling?" A slap on the back causes him to lurch forward.

Benedict flinches, both at the impact and at the voice calling his name. He turns and sees Bridgit Schwartz standing behind him, grinning madly.

"Are you sure you should be back to school already?"

"Are you lost?" Henderson asks, looking from Benedict to the lizard girl. "Benny, do you know her?"

He wants to die because everyone is looking at him. Everyone. Henderson, Susie, Thomas and Eric, Mallory. Schwartz, and from behind her the other monster kids. The tall cactus boy, the scorpion boy, a girl who looks like a flower. He thrusts his hands in the front pockets of his navy blue hoodie and wishes he could just fade away. His face is hot and he would give anything in the world to not have this girl come up to him like they were friends in front of this group of people.

He shakes his head, stepping away from Schwartz on instinct. He doesn't trust his voice, but he looks at everything but the lizard girl. "Let's go," he mutters.

Henderson laughs, "Maybe the monster has a crush on you, Benny."

Regret hits him almost instantaneously and it feels like sledgehammer. An apology he's never actually said starts to echo all around him and he feels years worth of guilt for something that has only just now happened.

I shouldn't have turned away from you that time. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have turned away from you that time. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have turned away from you that time. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have turned away from you that time. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have turned away from you that time. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have turned away from you that time. I'm sorry.

He turns back. Schwartz is already retreating to her friends. He grabs her arm to stop her and lets go almost immediately, already feeling like he's assaulted her enough without this obtrusive touch. But then he grabs her right hand, just as cold to his touch as it was yesterday, and holds it in both his palms. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm fine. I'm feeling much better. Actually, I'm not, but I'm not going to puke again, promise. Sorry. Sorry."

She stares at him. So do all her monster friends. He lets go of her hand like it's on fire and rushes back to Henderson, not looking back once.

"Are you damaged?" Henderson exclaims.

"Still feeling sick," Benedict mutters, cowardly leaving Henderson to interpret that anyway he wants, knowing that Henderson is going to interpret it the wrong way.

"You must be to touch that," Henderson says.

Benedict cringes when the others start laughing. I would have regretted it, he wants to say. But that's not something that these people would understand. So he doesn't say anything at all.

"So are you coming tonight or not?" Henderson asks. And there's an edge there. It says, more than anything Henderson could ever vocalize, that if Benedict doesn't say yes to this (especially after shaking hands with the monster girl, especially after his objections during lunch) then they're done. It won't matter what homework Benedict does for him, they won't be his group anymore.

"Yeah, OK," Benedict says. "It'll be fun."

"That's the spirit," Henderson says, slapping Benedict's back.