Light in Dark Places

Chapter Thirty-Nine

"Rumor has it you guys were caught having sex in front of Mathiessen's house," Schwartz teases when she sees them. Joan immediately buries her face in her hands and wishes for instant death. Benedict hides behind Joan.

"That's not what happened," Joan says.

"And some people know that too, so you're fucked either way," Jude says, crossing his arms. "You were actually trying to save that girl, weren't you?"

"What—what makes you say that?" Joan hedges.

Schwartz raises a brow. "Please give us some credit for deductive reasoning."

"Do you seriously not understand what you are risking?" Jude asks incredulously. "The Kings need Mathiessen's help—"

"His god attacked us," Joan says.

"Yeah, but only because you were going to do something stupid, right?" Marco asks.

"Guys, I already got yelled at by all Three Kings. I don't need this from you, too," Joan says weakly.

This sinks in. "Huh," Schwartz says. "I am suddenly seeing now why being related to a King could have its drawbacks."

"You have no idea. Trust me, I'm not going to do anything stupid."

*

All day Benedict keeps feeling waves of concern that are not his own. He feels—off. Not the heavy echoes that make him feel sick even as he slowly grows accustomed to them. Just—off.

And it's only halfway through Downing's lecture that Benedict realizes that maybe it's not him at all.

Hiraeth, are you OK?

The presence in his mind doesn't try to deny it. Do you think Joan Kaas was serious about not pursuing her goals anymore?

I don't know, Benedict admits. I don't know her well enough to guess. A god almost killed us last time, and we got in trouble.

Hiraeth doesn't say anything. Benedict gets the feeling that maybe he wants to, but can't.

*

Dear my love,

Your path is not going to be an easy one. It will be long and hard and it will take many years. You will suffer and you will break and you will fall. Are you scared? I am telling you it will not be easy, and there will be very little reward.

Or, are you thinking—you are wrong, and I will prove you wrong.

Do not be afraid of pain, love. Do not be afraid of those times where you are broken. They will pass. You will get up again because you always get up again.

It will be difficult. You will suffer at every turn. You might not have any successes.

But what you do is important. For you and for so many others.

If you did not walk this path, no one else could.

Always, Yours.

*

Joan finds the letter in her biology textbook and she thinks about it all day.

She thinks about it as if it was written to her. It's the first letter that she actively hopes is not addressed to her in some way, because she doesn't like what it says.

Years, the letter said. Suffer for years with no reward. And even though she has no idea what that means she certainly doesn't like the idea. You're wrong, she wants to say after all. That won't be me.