one shots | sanvers

all I do (is think about you) [part two]

post crossover, part two.

•••

Over the next few days, Maggie tries to wrap her head around everything.

She replays that night in her head over and over and over again. How Alex held her hand, how she said that Maggie was good enough, that she's been stupid and that it's been a mistake to let her go. How Alex said she almost died. How she slept with another woman.

In the month they've been apart, Maggie couldn't even look at another woman. Don't get her wrong, she won't hold it against Alex in any way. She's just wondering. Maybe wondering how much Alex loves her. But mostly wondering why it was so easy to sleep with someone else this fast. Wondering if it's because she's just Maggie. And Sara was.. well, Sara. Maggie wonders what she looks like, if they maybe look anything alike and that's why Alex slept with her.

Or maybe they didn't look alike at all.

She knows she should stop. She knows torturing herself like this isn't helping them, or her, in any way. But she can't help it. Maggie can't help but think of the fact that she's now not the first and last woman Alex kissed. That she's not the only woman Alex has had sex with. She feels selfish, in a way. For wanting to be that.

It makes her feel sick, of thinking about Alex with another woman. It's always made her feel sick, even before they were dating. Even when she told Alex that she had to figure it out for herself. The thought of Alex being with anyone that isn't Maggie just makes her feel nauseous. She can't help but feel jealous of this Sara. Not necessarily because they had sex, but more just the fact that she had Alex, in whatever way that was.

While Maggie was alone.

She feels like she needs to talk about Alex more. But she doesn't think she wants to know. She's not even sure it matters. Because, like, why would it matter? It's done. She's not seeing her and Alex wants Maggie. But Maggie can't help herself and still wonder.

Maggie hasn't really left her apartment. She called in sick for work and only left once to get some groceries for the next couple of days. She turned off her phone and just sat on her couch, thinking.

What if she tried this again, with Alex? Does she really want to risk it all again? Risk getting hurt? Not being good enough? She doesn't know if she can risk losing Alex again. She's lost her too many times already. The first time, after she rejected Alex. The second time, when Kara went missing and Alex sent her away. And then the third time, the worst time.

She can't do it again. She can't give herself to Alex once more, give her everything, and end up with nothing. She's had to build herself up way too many times before that she can do it on autopilot. Maggie really doesn't want to go through all of it again, especially not because of Alex.

But what if Alex doesn't change her mind again? What if she actually, really, wants to be with Maggie? What if she wants to get married and wants the house and the dog and no kids? What if she wants all those first that they talked about, even if kids won't be one?

Maggie runs her hand through her hair, frustrated with herself. She wishes she could make this easier and just run to Alex to tell her that she loves her, that she wants her. That they can be together and that they belong together.

And maybe she can make it easier.

But she's still scared and somehow she feels like that scared little girl again, about to put that Valentine's card in the locker of the girl she likes.

Except now she might be about to give her heart to the woman she loves, instead.

•

Her heart is beating in her chest, her hands sweaty at her sides. She doesn't know why she's doing this. It's a bad idea and it's going to end up in heartbreak. Again.