Funny how memories work.
You don't think of something for the longest time,
Then it all comes rushing back in one foul swoop...
You see people you've lost,
By the cruel scythe of death or other means,
In everything.
Like lights refracting in puddles.
Today I saw it in a name.
Five small letters and a passing comment.
Am I really so fragile that that is all it takes to make me cry?
I do not wish to be that broken,
Held together by thin and fraying threads.
But I am.
And no one knows the full extent.
They see me through fun house mirrors,
Distorted and divided like secret plans,
No one knows the whole truth.
But they stay and they smile.
I try to smile.
I try not to feel alone when that's all I feel.
Is it madness that all it took was the absence of one person to bring my emotions crashing down around my ears like so many burned buildings?
Perhaps, though everyone tells me it's not.
So many terrible things have grown from where something so wonderful used to be,
Thorns and spikes where flowers used to bloom.
They bloomed so bright and fresh,
Full of life and love...
Shriveled.
Poisoned by separation and doubt and worry.
By regret and shame and lost days.
They say you never know a good thing until its gone,
But I knew I had a good thing.
Still, it's gone and those times are colored all the sweeter.
A small shadow of loss does lick the edges of memories, though.
Not to be helped.
With a bruised but beating heart I carry on.
Love, or at least like, is being poured on me.
The hole yet remains.
I think it shall always remain,
Until the cause returns.
