Remus Lupin and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Chapter 20: Deep on the Rooftop

[AN: Contains talk about and feelings of depression and, very obliquely and briefly, suicide. Also brief cursing?]

The following day was...hard. All anyone was talking about was Sirius. Remus felt as if he were worn thin. Fraying. That fury from the night before was mostly doused by lack of sleep and the morning Wolfsbane potion, but it still lurked deep inside, still smoldering secretly. Every time he heard the name Sirius Black, it would lurch in his chest, followed by an intense swell of revulsion and shame. It hadn't just been the wolf that fueled him, last night. It had been his own rage, his own murderous intent that had shown it's face last night and every time he looked into the face of a student, it just seemed to reflect that fact back at him. They were curious, afraid, excited at the anticipation of adventure. Our own paths didn't diverge as far as I might have thought, apparently. Not if I had my way....We would both be murderers.

It seemed to be a mirror of the day that Sirius had been apprehended, finally, all those years ago. Something terrible had come to pass. And where had he been? What had he done? Did you have better things to do?

The week plodded on. The weather worsened along with his mood, against his best efforts. He dutifully took his potion, but the moon, ever heavier, seemed to hang from his shoulders, weigh down every thought until he was practically slogging near the end of the week. His Thursday morning 5th year Hufflepuffs seemed to sense something was off, because one of the girls raised her hand and tentatively asked, "Are you alright, sir? You seem...." She trailed off, eyebrows pinched worriedly. There were a few murmurs of agreement.

A complicated twisting happened somewhere at his center, warmth at the concern, guilt at affecting the students with his private matters, frustration at himself for not being able to pull it together. Useless. He forced a smile and replied, "I am, thank you. I think I may just be over tired."

This seemed to placate them and no more was said on the matter, for which he was grateful. It felt as if the color were draining from him and he wasn't quite sure how much longer he could fake it. It seems you don't need Dementors to sabotage your own happiness, came nastily across his mind, but even the self deprecating jab fell flat. Everything felt...heavy. Smiles. Words. Thoughts. He nearly sagged with relief when the class period finished and the students filed out, chatting. Leaning back his head, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose to try to relieve the headache the was trying to reignite itself above his eyes. It was when he heard the Sirius' name mentioned in hushed, eager undertone and no flare of anything happened within his gut that a small, insistent alarm bell started to go off. This is...not good.

He opened his eyes. The classroom was empty, gray, overcast light washing the room with it's pale light. Thunder rumbled in the distance. The muddle of voices passed in a current outside his open door, washing over him like so much meaningless fog. No, not good.

"Hey."

Long ago, Remus had been sitting on the lip of the Astronomy Tower roof, knees pulled up to his chest, staring out across the slate gray lake. He had looked over and down to see Lily poking her head out past the eaves, deep red hair catching the breeze. Words sat like so much lead in his throat, so he just watched her silently. At the lack of any protest, she carefully maneuvered herself out of the windowsill and up, crawling until she was level with him, letting out a puff of exertion as she planted herself next to him. Once the chances of her slipping were past, he switched back to staring out across the lawn. Down on the ground, it wouldn't have been windy, but up at the peak of one of the tallest towers, there was a constant current that tugged at the hems of their robes. It kept pulling switches of Lily's hair across her face, swaying the tops of dark pine trees below their feet. It smelled of far off places, of rain somewhere across the mountains.