Remus Lupin and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Chapter 21: Help

Remus made it as far as the staffroom before his joints and muscles started to seriously protest. The full moon was tomorrow, and the ache was an ever present hum in the center of his marrow. It wasn't helped by his state of mind; who knew that the weight of one's own thoughts could be so physically heavy? He leaned against the wall for a minute, intending to poke his head in and ask if anyone had seen the Headmaster what the man himself ambled around the corner. "Ah, Professor...."

Dumbledore looked up from his thoughts, eyes lighting on him. "Good morning, Remus!" He then frowned, looking him up and down. "Are you quite alright?"

"Yes, sir--" Don't lie, you've come to talk to the man. "Well... I've been better. Do you have a moment?"

"I have several of them and all of them can be yours, for the time being. How can I help you?"

Remus opened his mouth and it seemed like his mind guttered out like a candle; entirely blank. How did one ask for help when you had no practice? There were a few moments where Dumbledore simply waited and Remus closed his mouth, staring back in growing chagrin. Strangely, a small smile tweaked at the corner of Dumbledore's beard and he inclined his head down the hall. "Why don't you walk with me, Remus?"

He did not particularly feel like walking, or particularly like he could walk, but obediently fell into step beside him. Dumbledore seemed to understand the need for a sedate pace and settled on an easy stroll as he considered their surroundings. They walked slowly in a silence, occasional windows opening out to the view of dark, angry thunderheads over the Quidditch pitch and Remus began to grow frustrated with himself. Now that he was here and Dumbledore was next to him, he found he just couldn't bring himself to tell the Headmaster--and tell him what? Thank you for hiring me, I'm falling apart for no reason, can't you see how grateful I am? Or even worse; I feel nothing. Please fix it. He was beginning to feel thoroughly sick of his internal landscape.

"Sir...why did you hire me?"

The question seemed to surprise them both, for, as far as Remus knew, he never actually intended to pry into the reasons at all. It felt too much like it was an optical illusion and if he looked to hard at it, things would begin to not add up and he wasn't sure he could take it if Dumbledore felt the same way as well. "Hmm. Why do you ask?"

"I'm not...sure. I don't have any past qualifications and I can't think of anything I did at school that really showed any sort of...promise. Or 'exemplary moral character'," the words of Lucius Malfoy from months ago in Diagon Alley parroted out of his mouth easily. "I...always figured you would want to keep track of me, to make sure I didn't reconnect with Sirius."

The Headmaster was quiet for a time and Remus miserably watched tapestries and doorways, stained glass windows and staircases slide slowly by over the surface of his mind, never truly registering as they continued to wherever Dumbledore was roaming. Before he did finally speak, Remus was thoroughly regretting ever bringing it up. "I cannot pretend that recent events did not cause me to consider you for the role but to say that I doubted your loyalty is far from true. I believe that you are an integral part to this story that's being played out, currently, and I felt it somehow important that you be present for it. And that you showed no exemplary character while a student in these halls, I find, frankly, a bit mind boggling for you to say. You are a very intelligent man, Remus, and you had a knack for managing your friends and showing your kindness and strength of heart. You do not possess an easy path in this world, but you walk it with surprising dignity and warmth."

He looked sideways at Remus, speared him with his gaze. "I have a great respect for you, my boy. Now," he looked round and where they had stopped on a landing and Remus realized they were standing outside the Hospital Wing. "If you still wish to talk with me after you've spent some time with Poppy, I would be more than happy to meet you in my office, where I will be attending to some tedious but necessary paperwork. However, I have reason to believe that this may be something that she may be able to provide you with better finesse than I could ever hope." He smiled and this time, Remus seemed to feel it, if only a stirring of the warmth, deep in his chest. "You're doing well," he said gently, and was gone. It struck him then that it hadn't been James and Sirius and Peter who had accepted him as he was first; it had been Dumbledore.

It took a few minutes of silence, but, eventually, he entered and found Madame Pomfrey making beds as rain began tapping at the high windows. She looked up as she heard the door, but didn't speak once she scanned his face; she just waited.

Remus took a deep breath. "Help. Please."