Burning Crimson

Chapter Twenty-two

It was past five when Harry went to and asked Colette if she wanted to shower and she nodded and carefully crawled out of the bed and tried to slowly walk to the bathroom without crying and giving up on life all together. He watched her walk and felt something but it wasn't accurate, it wasn't anything to worry about but when he seen her walk and slump, hiss and cry, he felt bad? Being hurt to a certain extent was what she needed, he knew that. Fuck, he felt like she needed more pain, more suffering. But why did it create a heavy abyss in his stomach, like a black hole that was taking all his discipline and angst and turning it into pity.

Before she even got to the bathroom, she already seen herself crying in the shower, letting the warm water wash away the scent of him, but it felt as if he was still there, the pain and the feeling still felt raw and numbing, hurting her in a way that was so adult, so grown and she wanted to cling to that young girl again. Why did it seem so surreal in her eyes? Reality became a blurred vision. She got into the bathroom and shut the door. She heard the click of the lock and looked at the empty room, there were no windows but even if there was a window, it's not like she could jump out and run home.

She was naked and bruised, turning on the faucet and setting the shower up, she stepped in and cried as the water was warm, would the warm feeling only harm her more or would she feel it cascade in a delicate manner, she hoped it would. She began to shake and curse as she finally decided to wash herself where he was, feeling the sting that rushed through her body, making her cry longer, her hands came up bloody still. She slowly got water in her cupped hands, letting is wash against her, less harsh but still painful. The water ran crimson and she cried, throwing her head back.

Downstairs, it was a different story, they were quiet, the only sound heard throughout the entire house was the water running from upstairs, Harry sat on the couch, still in his boxers, not caring about the blood - wearing it as a medal of taking a virginity, just another notch to his belt. Lilac looked at the silent people sitting on the couch. Harry wasn't even paying attention to anyone. His green eyes were focused on the television that wasn't on.

"Do you think thats what happened with Luna?" Lilac whispered into Jeans ear, after what seemed like a forever silence.

"I don't know.. some days I ask myself, what would have happened if she stayed-- would we still be here? would he have been happy with his real family."

Harry over heard their words being shared, and he thinks about it, about all the moments he shared with Luna, the way she changed him the best way possible and then she left, she had too - it all became too painful and hard to look at her. It hurt to even think about her, an empty feeling clouded his heart and made him feel like dead weight. She left him and she was his cancer, dangerous to his mental state. When she left, he went crazy, he loved her but how can you continue to love someone when they hurt you so much to a permanent crippling emotion? They leave after making you fall in love and act as if its all okay to just stand up and fucking leave, and he knew why he made these girls stay; he didn't want to be alone again.

In some memory that wasn't as toxic as the taste on his tongue, he was happy. He seen the blue eyes of the girl he loved, she smiled and laughed. "I'm excited to be honest, I'm happy too," she says and kisses Harrys bare chest, where her head was rested. Listening to his heart beat, feeling his skin under her finger tips, tracing circles.

"What if I can't handle it, like you said before, what if I lose control and.." He trailed off, looking at her place kisses on his hands.

"Shh.. Shh.. We're going to be fine - you're amazing at these things, I'm just scared that you'll find it more interesting than me and abandon me," she says and looks around the dark room, she knew of his perversions and his gross habits.

"That's what I'm scared of, having you here.. All of you here, it's been amazing, I love you all so much and this new addition to our family will be so good for everyone," he smiles widely, thinking of the possibilities of a bigger family, he had so much love in his heart for all of them; he knew he was capable of loving to his hearts extent.

"I.. want it to be just us, I was thinking maybe we could.. Get rid of the other girls," she says and Harry stiffens up, wanting to throw her off him, it felt like fire when she touched him. One thing was adding up and he was going break down and give up on her.

"What? excuse me, I'm sorry.. I might have heard you wrong, you want me to get rid of them, like some old couch? Get off of me," he says and pushes her head off his chest. She looks at him with wild blue eyes and a sad smile.

"Harry, we're going to have a family of our own, our own family - we don't need them as dead weight to ruin this," she says, defending herself and her beliefs. Harry needed the girls too. They were all he had now. After Janis left that burning taste on his tongue, he had to find new things to taste. New people to love. Janis wouldn't be back and he needed a new normal.

" No, no, no! Okay, just get the fuck out!" He shouted and his voice cracked.

"Of your room or your family?" He knew he hurt her feelings more than intended, that was the price of love, pain came along quickly after. He looked at her with those dull green eyes and she knew that he was going to be as cold as the upcoming winter.

"Figure that out for yourself, get the fuck out," he says, flipping on the light switch, and opening the door, waiting for her to leave, it was him testing her for her worth; would she leave without biting back like usual, would she actually leave and be the weak girl she knew him to be?

When she stood up, he felt a flip in his stomach and it wasn't romantic, it was for real and it was horrible; with a glare, she pushed past him and she did, she left, and it only got worse from that point on. He should have pulled her back and kissed her until she forgave him for being so bitter but he just heard her feet tap against the floor and down the stairs with a loud slam on her door.

"Harry! Are you even listening?" Jean asks with a tone he should have cussed her out on, she was snapping her fingers in front of his face.

"What?" He snaps and she shrinks back.

"Lunch," she says in a tiny voice, "it's grilled cheese, your favorite," she says as if he didn't know that much about himself. But he didn't know himself and that was true, what did he know about Harry, who was he now? Who was he after Luna, a creep; a sicko, a sick man with no purpose.

" I don't feel like food right now," he says and gets off the couch, heading upstairs, the thoughts of being lost and being alone flooded him and he was going to go and drown until he found air and clarity.

When he walked up the stairs, he unlocked the door and Colette stood there, wet and covered in a towel and bruises. How could beauty be destroyed by someone so ugly, inadequacy was what he was made up of, it was Janis' fault for the man he is, he knew that. He knew that Janis fucked him up, she tore him inch by inch until he slowly became her and maybe thats why it was so hard to find Harry and who he was.

"There is food ready downstairs, if you want it, that is," he tried to be nice, to be Harry and not Janis.

"Okay."

[an: this story has been what made me who i am, i am so sorry for anyone who is disturbed by this, i was in a very dark place when i wrote this and im sorry.]