Title: Don't Tell Me It's A Coincidence
Author: RikkaVillarez
Rating: 4.5/10
Status: Work in Progress
Authors Description: At sixteen Dakota has a lot on her plate. After her parents death, her brothers have been looking after her but now that they have gone off to college so she has to watch her younger sister all by herself! Eliotte will do anything his parents tell him to do, so when they say pack up and move to another country to go to school all he says is when. So when both Dakota and Eliotte meet will they start to see their lives differently? Don't tell me it's a coincidence! :D(c/o @RebeccaSauve [=)
My review of the story:
Girl who is in charge of her little sister and has a 'sense of humour' meets the annoying new guy that she hates, that moved from Canada. The whole mysterious guy story and all.
My Thoughts:
Okay firstly I strongly dislike when you write ---FlashBack (cue the sound effects dun dunn dunnnn----, it isn't professional and made me feel like I was reading a kids story. In your description you need to fix up a few errors like 'now that they have gone off to college SO she has to watch her younger sister,' you need to remove the word so. But overall an average description. Okay the dialogues in your story seem a little planned and formal, they don't flow well and non-realistic. Your grammar needs LOTS of improving and sometimes it just bugs me that you make it look like a film script. Your spelling in places are really off like when you said "She practically scolded me when I forgot my book but since it was my first time she let me get OF the hook.' You also tend to get mixed up in tenses and your descriptions could be improved. Try to make your story connect with the audience and reflect more in reality, when I first read this it felt like I was watching Soap Opera.
Pointers to Audience:
- Another average story if your into the whole mysterious new guy in school
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