Secret Letters to B

Letter #9

Oppa,

It's been a week since you came back. I just wish that you... I wish you don't have to.

Since you came back, we' re so different than before. I went through pain again.

We' re not the same siblings that greet each other in the morning, in the afternoon, or even in the evening. You just say 'I'm going to sleep. I'll text you later, okay?', while leaving me expecting that you'd say 'I love you. Goodnight.'. I knew this would happen. I knew it. I'm thankful that in the past month that you were gone, I tried to move on. At least the pain in me decreased.

I know in my heart that I still love you not as an oppa, but probably soon... I might accept the fact that... it's how our relationship works... right?

Last night we talked through Skype, and I saw your face. AGAIN. My heart beated like crazy, but I just ignored it. And when I saw your face, I silently laughed. Your physical feature did not change. You got a little fat, I think, but who cares. You' re still pangit, but I don't care. Anyway, we kept talking, until such time where... you asked me if I was feeling hot. You were right, oppa, but I wondered how you knew.

'Your clothes... it's very short.' you said. That's when I realized what I was wearing. I was wearing sando. I looked down in humiliation. It was the first time you saw me wearing that kind of suit. I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable because I knew you'd be thinking something bad again. The usual you. The usual you asked me that if I'm feeling hot, then I should just take my shirt off.

(You just texted me. And it's already 2: 18 in the afternoon. You even bothered to text, HUH?)

You' re really a pervert, oppa. You don't know that I don't like that about you, but I'm willing to understand. You understand me too, so we' re just fair.

Last night you said 'maybe you don't like me anymore...' I wish I do, oppa. I wish I don't like you. I wish that from the start, I knew what was going to happen. But NO. No matter how hard I tried, there's this feeling that's just for you. Even if I deny right now, I know that I still love you.

I didn't respond to that, but I wish I did. I wish I said 'yes, I don't like you anymore.' But, my mind was so whacked out that time so... I didn't answer. I wish I did. I wish I just lied.

By the way, I'm still confused with you. I don't get your feelings. Seriously. One time this week I remembered you asking how can you smile without me... how can you live without me... how can I be so happy without you... and how can I still smile even though we live miles apart. Do you want to know how?

The answer is: Oppa, this April I tried to move on from you. I kept your pictures and those things you gave me. There was almost a time when I almost forgot thinking about you, but those instances were the times where you chatted me through facebook or any communication possible. Why? Why is it like that? Why were the times I keep forgetting you were the times where you kept talking to me? Why were the times I kept thinking of you were the times I couldn't find you? Anyway, those were the times I kept myself busy, until I knew that I could let you go already. Even if you leave me right now, I knew I wouldn't be so affected anymore.

I know I truly love you oppa, that's why I'm letting you go. I know I keep smiling, but behind this smile of mine are a thousand pains. I'm already happy for you, and letting you go will make me happier. Before, it was hard for me to let you go but now... I'm already getting better without you. I knew I loved you more, so I'm letting you go. Nothing will change on our relationship, I'm still your sister (that doesn't love you as one), and you' re still my kuya. If leaving me will make you happy, then so be it.

But for now, we' re not leaving each other, right? So as much as possible, I'll still support you. You know that I'll be there when you need me, even though you couldn't do that for me. You know I wanted everything between us to be fair, but there were times I knew it isn't. You aren't here in times I need you, though I'm there with you in times you need me. I understand oppa, you don't like discussing serious things with me. It's okay.

For now, we live miles apart. You're in Manila, while I'm here somewhere around Rizal. We just kept reaching each other through Skype, or any communication available. Now I know how hard it is to keep a long distance relationship working. Now I knew how you felt with your first girlfriend (which was a thousand miles farther from you that time.). Maybe that's why you broke up with me earlier. It doesn't matter, though, because now we're happy living our own lives. That's for me. I don't know if you'd agree.

I guess I'll be going, oppa. We're both going to church, right? Just different places, that's all.

Talk to you later,

ㄹ