Secret Letters to B

Letter #10

Oppa,

Sorry if I kept bothering you! I really am.

Last night, you didn't reply to my text. So I texted again after 2 hours. I sensed something was wrong, so I asked if you were busy. And you answered 'a little''. After that, I said that you should keep yourself busy, and you didn't answer. I thought you'd just do that for the night, but no, you did that up until now! Wow. You really don't know my feelings, do you?

Now I knew what's wrong with me: I kept lying. I kept saying that 'I'm okay', even though I'm not. I kept saying that 'you should keep yourself busy', when I know for a fact that I wanted you to talk to me.

This is our process of saying 'goodbye', isn't it, oppa? I never thought this'd happen. Nice.

I don't know what to say right now, because deep inside I'm hurt.

I remembered the time when I said 'goodbye' to you. It was the first time I attempted that with you. I was really determined to move on. But... there was something in me that broke my decision. I never knew what was that. Or I guess it was... love. THE USUAL. Putting that aside, I attempted, but I did not win with your pleading. Yes. Don't deny it, oppa. I clearly remember that you plead to me. You won, anyway, because I wouldn't be writing these silly things now if you didn't.

Now, thinking that, I wish I'd won over you. I wish I didn't pity you that time. I wish I don't have love for you that time. If that happened, I should be happy right now. I should be thinking of other people right now and not you.

I'm deciding right now if I should leave you or not. To unbalance the scale. Remember? You were the one who broke up with me. I was the one between the two of us that said 'goodbye'. I'm thinking that if I say goodbye again, the thing I did to you on the scale would be multiplied by two. If you say goodbye, well... it would hurt, I'm sure. A bigger part of me says I should say goodbye, but I know I'd just back out. If I do that, I'd probably regret it later. But if you... If you say goodbye... I don't know. I'll be crying, I guess.

(I admit, I still cry about you. But not that much like before.)

I wish I had a feeling-explainer machine. I'm not too good with expressing my feelings, so I couldn't say it to you all. Even from this letters. I never gave and expressed my feelings to you in reality.

It's 8:35 pm already. The last time you texted me last night was by at least 11 pm. This is unusual. After 2 and a half-hour, it would be a day that you didn't text me.

I shouldn't have said 'keep yourself busy' to you, oppa. Because you really did it. And for ALMOST A WHOLE DAY.

I'm hurt, oppa. Please just text me. Or not. Maybe I should get used to this.

*sigh* I'm trying to understand, oppa. Even if I'm hurt, I'm trying.

Oppa, don't keep yourself busy,

ㄹ