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Chapter 11

• Elizabeth's POV •

"To fix whatever is around you, you first have to fix yourself"

How can I fix myself? I don't even know where to start. I don't know if I can be fixed.

Possibly not.

The last few hours have been a blur. How can I let be thrown down so easy, the boys were just teasing, still it felt like someone start to cut my body so slowly with a knife so I could hurt more. I'm sure of one thing, I don't want to go there, I'm so scared to go to that dark place, I have never really been on the lowest point but just the thought of being IN that state of mind terrifies me. I know I've locked, so I can't drown in there but something so simple as a sentence cause so much effect to me and make me so vulnerable.

"It's all the way, again again
The rain has come, take over this place.
I cry, and fight to death
It's what it left, it's all again"

I have to fight, I can't let it take over me again and drown me more, more than I already am or have I ever been. I have to kill it so it can't bother me again.

Jade brought me home and asked me if I wanted her to stay, I probably needed her but I urge for some time to myself.
The blonde park infront of my house and I thank her for the kind and supportive words and caring for me.

I then entered to the kitchen and fill a glass of lemonade, and went upstairs to my room and change into something comfortable, sitting on a little couch I have in there I made some breathing exercises so I could calm down and at least steady my breath. I was a huge mess at the moment. I don't know for how long I have stared at the window infront of me blankly there's noone in the house as always, and loneliness makes it harder, being alone may led you to think stuff you shouldn't​ be thinking. All of a sudden the thoughts  appeared on my head once more, rushing in my brain suddenly, attacking it with fire, making my being vurnerable at the aggression.

Anger was growing inside me, how couldn't I control that? I felt my eyes watering and the first tear start making its way down my cheek, I felt the anxiety growing more and more making my body tremble uncontrollably. I start punching the pillows on the bed with so much strength so my body could free of the anger, my hands became numb of hitting pillows after a while.

- I have to be able to kill those thoughts.

I went to the bathroom and washed my face, the cold water making me feel a little better now, I let it penetrate to my pores so I could feel it's cold. I look up to my hands and sank them to in the cold fluid, they were all red and shaky, my knuckles were a little bruised from the recent little break down.

After taking something for the headache I went again to my bedroom. My cellphone screen lit up showing I had received a new message.

6:48 PM - Alex: hey... Are you alright? Do you need anything? Can I be of some help?

I didn't expect Alex to show concern on my outburst at lunch, I thought I might have scared the Seattle native. I took my time on deciding whether to answer or not.

6:55 PM - Elizabeth: I'm fine :) just a rough day. Thanks.

7:00 PM - Alex: for what?

7:01 PM - Elizabeth: for caring.

7:01 PM - Alex: Always :)

My heart flutter at the little exchange of messages and the preoccupation Alex showed, but I couldn't. My heart should no beat this faster when talking to alex, I have Cameron and I like him. I have to feel butterflies with Cameron not Alex.