Late Night Thoughts

One Year

One year.... I was clean for almost one year. I promised I wouldn't do it again after we moved houses.

But I couldn't take it anymore. My mother is getting back with my step dad and she says he has changed.

This is such a big lie. She is turning into a clone of him. Verbally abusive telling me I won't go anywhere and I ruin everything.

We will be moving back up with him in 2018. I don't want to go. That place is where my mother always told me she wanted to hit me and slapped me a couple times.

She started talking badly about me to my face again. If she thinks I'm not listening then I really get to hear what she thinks about me.

I am in counseling for what has happened to me and I hate it. I am trying. Really I am but I wasn't ready for it.

I finally told my mom I am sexually confused and have a crush on a girl.... She informed me my brother went through the same thing and she will help me get fixed.

I guess having a crush on a girl but thinking guys are hot too makes you broken and twisted in the mind.

She went to work and that's when I did it. I couldn't take it anymore. The voice inside my head saying how unwanted and worthless I am.

How it's my fault I was sexually and physically abused by my cousin from the age of 3 until i was 11. How I dressed slutty and that's why the person I considered a friend and future sister, molested me. How I am confused and disgusting.

I finally snapped. I went into the bathroom and broke my spare razor and took the blade to my forearm. I cut twice before I was shaking from crying.

As I got myself together my sister called. She saved me from doing more cuts just from that phone call that day. She didn't know I went back to cutting but knew I was upset so she sat and talked for an hour and a half.

My mom got home and was extremely angry for no reason. I just went on wattpad and started to read. Blocking out her conversations with my step dad, her talking about me, saying how much of a failure I will be.

I have never been big on crying. But it's like I'm breaking. Trying to hold it together, hold on and keep pushing forward..... It's getting harder and harder everyday.

I feel like everyone would be happier if I was gone. If I just left and didn't look back.

I'm slowing killing the girl everyone once knew. Turning to ice slowing but surely. Distancing myself from the people I once loved.

I will be dying my hair soon, changing my closet so I look badass, get a wig or two maybe so people won't recognize me. Just change completely. The golden girl will be gone.

**********

A/N;
Hello. This is seriously about my life and what's going on. some people write poetry and are subtle about it all. I couldn't do that. this is kind of like a diary but not to personal.

Don't cut like me. it's not ok and i'm trying to stop.

Remember no matter what that you are loved. Even if it's not a family member who loves you. someone out there does!! <3

Updated 1/22/18:
Hello. This was originally written in the 17th of December 2017. I didn't post it because I was scared of being judged. Well now I'm letting strangers in on what goes on in my head.
I'm sorry if this seems dramatic but it's seriously how my thoughts are.

Always remember you are loved! I'm here to talk anytime! Just pm me❤️