M.V.P ARMY GUIDE TO SENPAI

The Struggle

Hello My Dearest MVPs!

I hope everyone is well and in good health.

I'm not really sure how many of you still even read this "guide" but regardless there's a lot I have to say. I'll make it brief since frankly, I don't want to sound like I'm whining. This isn't a cry for help nor is it something you should worry about too much. I've been taking the necessary precautions to keep me in my healthy state of mind. 

Over the past few months as I'm sure you've noticed I haven't updated much if not at all, I apologize for that. It makes me feel ungrateful towards al of you because honestly I never thought there would be so many of you that would take interest in anything I wrote. I am amazed more and more everyday at how much the MVP ARMY has expanded and I am so thankful for all my supporters and the love you show me. I could never repay you.

I've been going through a lot mentally and emotionally. 

Trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. 

Am I good enough?

Will I be able to make it?

Am I pretty enough?

Am I talented enough?

Can I truly see myself doing this for the rest of my life?

It's a constant battle. 

From the moment I wake up to the moment I come back and lay my head back on that pillow. Everyday seems like an unbearable routine that I have come to hate. Imagine waking up in the morning and regretting instantly your life choices and also being surrounded by people who don't even want to understand how you feel. Putting a smile on because its the right thing to do, no one wants to see a frown because that just means you're an unhappy/negative person. 

The mask goes on the moment I get out of bed and start my day.

The unsettling feeling that you have to force to hide everything because no one wants to deal with someone that just feels useless. 

The usual "You're not useless" speech from your close friends but it just all seems like a cycle. 

Nothing changes. Every day is the same. 

I've dealt with depression before but mostly decided to block it, hiding it away instead of actually dealing with it the way you're supposed to. Lately there's no color, it's all black and white. It's truly a time of darkness and a time of so many self reflecting questions and all the answers are: "You're not good enough"

I try to stay strong and push through but before I know it I'm back to where I started.

My writing overall has gotten me through all these tough times. The emotions of the characters in my book, The sadness and the anger are a reflection of me. The reason that most of my readers feel the emotion is because they are truly mine, so in a sense I suppose you can say you've felt with me and cried with me. It all sounds so strange and a little creepy but all I can say is that writing is powerful. 

I may not be a top author or anything but you all make me feel like I am. 

You're all so amazing and wonderful to me. 

I've thought about leaving and I've thought about just erasing any trace of me but I know that wouldn't be fair to you. Aside from that I haven't finished what I started, battling these demons is only the beginning of my journey and I'll never give up. There's so many things I have yet to do and so many more stories to share with all of you. 

Depression SUCKS. 

It's that elephant in the room no one chooses to acknowledge but it's there. 

No worries, I'm not suicidal or have those thoughts. God forbid.

I've been in that situation before but that's a story for another time. 

On the Brightside if you follow me on social media, especially on Snapchat, You'll know that I've already made my intro and outro for my YouTube Channel. I know I don't have a lot posted (like 3 videos or so) but I finally got a new computer and I also have a new phone with better quality (Shoutout to iPhone) so definitely will do some vlogging beginning January and I hope that you'll support me there as well. 

In case you don't have me on Snapchat or Instagram:

Insta: Sweet.KV_

Snap: Kalena_xx

I'm more active on Snapchat so you're more than welcome to join me there and look at all the boring things in my life lol Mostly makeup tho so if you're a makeup enthusiast follow me~

Well, this concludes my little rant on the struggle yo girl is having but soon it'll get better. Hopefully. 

XOXO,

Senpai