Lost in love (a Dolan twin fan fiction )

Chapter 8: Not okay

 **Lara's POV***

I have been going through a really hard time lately but like always when I am in a bad mood I just fake a smile and continue with my day because I always felt a need to put others before me and make sure they are happy. Me and Grayson are doing ok but I feel like i am pushing him away. I am in a bad place because all my life I have been bullied or put down about the way I look because I was over weight or I just wasn't pretty. Well s lot of adults always said I was beautiful or pretty. But Its not true everyone always says how beautiful I am and how many people think that and tell me that but am I really the only one who realizes its all fake? They are all just being nice because no one is ever going to go up to you and say "woah you're ugly" or "you're fat" but they all are thinking it on the inside, I mean if so many people have said it behind my back think of all the people that aren't saying it but thinking it. I have never felt good about myself, I have always been insecure because I have been bullied and talked about and all I ever wanted was to fit in so I literally changed who I was, Multiple times actually. I eventually got so sad and felt so worthless and like I was a waste of space and I just wanted to give them what  thought they wanted and that was to be gone. I was only in middle and by that point I had become depressed and suicidal and I just felt so much pain and I felt  Darkness inside me My chest ached with pain I always had constant head aches because I was literally always fighting myself because all my mind could think about was bad things and depressing thing and such dark things and I always brought myself down but I was fighting it off and I mostly lost those battles. I would go home and I just start crying and because all I feel is pain  so I try everything to subside the pain I cut through my wrist and then I usually got out of control and I started a pattern where I cut the parts I hate about myself so I would cut my thighs and I would cut parts of my stomach and I really thought about killing myself but I didn't the reason I didn't was because I knew there were people out there who care about me and would be in so much more pain then me if I left, Well that's what they think. Everyone thinks I'm still alive because they saved me or because they cared but that's not true its really because of the fear. I always tell people what they want to hear because I know if I tell them the truth they won't understand or like usual they will diagnose of just "Being in my feelings" or some other bullshit but everyone always ask why I don't talk to them about things, Its because they don't listen or they think they know exactly what is wrong with me or there is just this awkward silence because they don't know how to help or what to do. of course there are counselors I can go to but that cost money I have never had and for what to go somewhere and talk to someone for like an hour just so they can judge me? I always but on a show and faked a smile and pretended that I was okay and my life was perfect but the truth is, I'm not, I'm not okay, and I'm fighting everyday of my life Not physically but mentally. I am slowly losing my mentality. I just want to be saved. For a moment someone did save me and that person was Grayson when I'm with him I feel like I finally fit in and sometimes I look at my scars and just think the pain goes away but the memory and scars don't.

***Graysons POV***

I was chillin at home but for some reason I felt an ache in my heart and I didn't know why but I felt like something was wrong but yet I didn't know what or why. I had this weird feeling that I should go see Lara. I kept questioning everything did I leave something with her? No. Did we make a date and i forgot? No. I literally couldn't figure it out so I got into the car and drove over to her place. when I got there I knocked ans Lizz answered and said she was upstairs "What are you doing here?"  Lizz asked "I don't know but I'm pretty sure I need to be here right now" I replied running up the stairs. I opened the door to her room and I don't see her but I hear sniffling in her bathroom so I walk over and slam open the door to see Lara In the bathtub slicing through her wrist crying her eyes out. I quickly run over to her and try taking the blade from her but she is resisting " NOO STOP GIVE ME IT!' She screams as I successfully grab it out of her hand but while doing so I sliced my palm open. I grabbed her and held her in my arms while she cried "Oh baby, It's ok, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere" I rocked her back and forth and eventually she called down but was freakishly silent " babe, Babe,BABE!!" I screamed as I see she is unconscious "Baby don't leave me, Please not now! HELP SOMEBODY HELP!!!" I yelled everyone came running up the stairs. We took her to the hospital and the nurses rushed her to the back i tried going with her but the nurse pulled me off "sir you cannot go back there" Please I need t o be with her!" I tried pushing past them but they did not let me ; we will get back to you as soon as possible" I went to sit down and wait hours later everyone was telling me I should go home and get some sleep but I insisted I stay and wait but they should go and get rest. I was now alone and starting to fall asleep but I door open and hoped it was someone for Lara "For Lar-' I interrupted him "is she ok?, Will she make it, Can I see her?" I swarmed him with questions but I just wanted to know if my baby was ok. " she is still unconscious, but she is expected to wake up soon, you can go see her but I recommend not  touching her and not mentioning anything that recently happened. Now sir there is a chance she will not remember you." I was shocked at the doctors last words but I didn't care I just wanted to see her. " where is she?"  "Room 112 down the hall and to the right" I immediately started running and entered her room  she isn't awake yet so I sit down and talk to her. "hey babe, Its me Grayson. I don't know if you can hear me or not but if you can baby I love you so much and I don't know what I would ever do without you please pull through this. I remember when I very first saw you I immediately fell in love with you I knew you were the one forever. I don't want anyone else in this world I only want you, you are the only one who can keep me sane. you changed my world. I just hope I can continue to change yours. Please baby don't leave me. I need my squizzy bear. I love you Always and forever.

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Hey y'all so I know I don't update a lot but I am just trying to do it when I can. Hoped you liked the new chapter sorry it was so deep.

~Emma <3