Vagabond (Bellamy Blake) 1/2

28

ryder

i started wandering around aimlessly after leaving bellamy. i said i would scout the perimeter, which wasn't a complete lie, but i mostly stayed to the south west of the dropship. while letting my feet control themselves rather than my brain, they stumbled upon a sight i had not seen since days before leaving.

my tree. 

i let myself take a seat at the one place that i felt most safe on this entire planet. the one place i could think without someone disturbing me. the one place where i could be me and not pretend i was okay, because i wasn't.

if i was being honest with myself, i wasn't okay and i hadn't been since the day i was born. first, my family suffered from famine because of chancellor diana. then i lost my mother before ever getting to meet her. i was separated from the remainder of my family for years in a dingy cell, and once again separated from them when the dropship landed. my father died while i was away, not allowing me to say goodbye. i even lost my best friends to the mountain men and my house to grounders.

I could pretend in front of others all I wanted, convince them I was okay, but I couldn't fool myself. I was broken and I have been my whole life.

A lifetime full of misery, but now i was dealing with something much worst. today i had taken a human life. not even one who deserved it, one who was under the control of some... trance. someone who was once a grounder with possibly a family was now dead by my hands. his blood was on me, it was a reminder of the disgusting action i had done.

This is worse than everything else.

i did it to save jesse. she was being strangled and he wouldn't let go willingly. there was no other option, i had to do it, i had to, i had to, i had to. 

as much as i tried to reason, the pain and the guilt wouldn't subside, not even in the slightest. in all my efforts to not kill down on the ground, i had never thought it would be so easy to do what i did.

i used to think that not killing was easy, but this earth has taught me different. you do what you have to, to survive, to protect the ones you love. now i was wondering if maybe i was being too harsh on bellamy. yes, he killed hundreds of people, including my father, but it was to protect his sister. bellamy killed trying to protect someone he loved with all his heart, just the same as i.

Love is a tricky thing, even the worst imaginable things seem to be not so unwelcome anymore. When you love someone unconditionally you will do anything to be with them as long as you can. People of the ark dont understsnd, but having a sibling is the most unconditional love you could ever have for a person. They are in a way your other half and I would do anything to protect that half.

I have done everything.

Bellamy was just the same. I understand now, his choices, his actions, his recklessness. Everything was for his sister.

I felt the need to forgive him now. If I couldn't forgive him, how was I supposed to forgive myself? I needed to, it was the only way to keep my sanity. For our friendship.

Maybe things won't go back to the way they were before, but I needed to try. He was one of my friends and I missed the way it used to be.

I missed saving each other's lives. He saved me from a pit of spikes, cared for me when I was shot with an arrow, and he kept Charlotte and i sane when we were stuck in a cave when jasper was dying. I missed when it was simpler, when we first met and I though he was a filthy guard.

Not only did I miss bellamy, but I missed myself. The Ryder that wasn't so vengeful. I wasn't that person, and I hadn't felt like myself when I was.