a/n: this chapter addresses sexual assault and ptsd. if you feel as if this chapter is unsafe for you to read, then please skip it. i want you all to be safe and happy! if you're struggling with the aftermath of sexual assault, please call 800.656.HOPE (4673), or notify friends, family, or a trusted adult, if you feel comfortable. if you need somebody to talk to, i'm here for you as well.
a few days ago, i felt like doing something wild.
something out of character, something stupid. my impulse control was nonexistent, which wasn't exactly unusual.
usually when things went bad, i unintentionally made the situation worse. so much worse.
this time, though, i had really messed up.
my mind was all over the place. i didn't tell anybody that i was going to max's house. i went there to confront him, but that isn't at all what happened.
"you're not going to do anything." max took a sip of his beer, and shook his head. "no, that's a lie. you're going to do something if you want your mom's name to be cleared. this can all go away, if you follow my rules."
visions of his body hovering over mine flashed before my eyes. "you're a good girl, you know that?"
his fingers were in my mouth, and hot tears were spilling down my cheeks. "this is the deal. you're gonna let me hit, i'll get rid of all of the incriminating evidence against your mom. i'll have my dad do the same."
i hated this about myself. i either never thought things through, or i put myself in bad situations, to help people that wouldn't do the same for me.
my mom was selfish, and i paid for her mistakes.
max's words kept running through my head. "i won't say anything. you can't ever tell anybody that this happened."
the vision of him undoing his belt was replaying in my head.
i couldn't stomach it anymore, i ran to the bathroom and stuck my head into the toilet.
the sound of footsteps became louder and louder, until i felt a little tugging sensation on my hair. when my stomach had completely emptied itself, i flushed the toilet and turned around.
arielle and i made eye contact in the big mirror.
i realized that she had tied my hair into a high ponytail, so it didn't get in my face.
she was silent, and i wasn't in the mood to make conversation, so the room was quiet.
i grabbed my toothbrush, squeezed out some toothpaste, and started brushing.
"are you sick? pregnant?" arielle raised her brows.
"fuck no, i'm not pregnant," i spat into the sink, and ran the water.
my mind traveled back to that day. i begged him to at least use a condom, but he didn't. i was on birth control, thank god.
however, i felt dirty. i had basically cheated on the guy that i loved the most, even though max forced me to have sex with him.
it was my fault, this easily could have been prevented.
"uh, camila? are you good?" arielle seemed so much softer today, she genuinely looked concerned as well.
i felt a surge of anger running through my body. "you never gave a fuck about me up until now, arielle. mind your own fucking business."
her jaw dropped.
she waited for me to say something else, while i swished my mouthwash in my mouth.
i spat it out, ran the sink again. "i'm leaving."
"i don't know if that's a good idea, cami. you don't seem like yourself," arielle sighed.
she was right, i didn't feel like myself anymore. my thoughts were all over the place, and for some reason, i felt unsafe in my own home.
"leave me alone, arielle. i fucking mean it." i didn't even pick up my phone on the way out. i didn't want it.
i was determined to slip out of the house without anybody noticing, but was just wishful thinking.
i had been so distracted, that i ended up running into jacob. the impact of the bump left me on the floor.
"dad went out to get you some soup and stuff, we both heard that you were throwing up," he helped me up, and gave me a sympathetic look.
"i'm fine, tell dad to come back home," i exhaled deeply, and opened the front door.
there was an extreme look of confusion on jacob's face. "you don't seem fine –"
"i don't wanna talk about it. i'm going to see grayson."
before jacob could respond, i had already made my way out the door.
the sky was a dark grey color, giant rain clouds were forming. it was freezing outside, and for some reason, i thought it would be a good idea to walk outside in one of gray's sweatshirts and nothing else.
i was slightly irritated, which caused the walk over to the dolans' house to feel so unbearably long.
before i could even ring the doorbell, grayson swung the door open.
grayson had just taken a shower, his hair was clinging to his forehead, and a towel was tied around his waist. "come in."
he looked extremely unhappy, which made me feel anxious. my heart was starting to race, and my mind was scattering itself. i felt the same way that i did this morning.
without saying a word, i ran into the bathroom and closed the door behind me.
my stomach was in knots, i usually only threw up if my anxiety got too bad.
i was disgusted. i was disgusted with myself, with max, with this heavy guilt that came along with what happened.
hot tears edged to the corners of my eyes, and rolled down my cheeks. this was torture, i was absolutely miserable.
"mimi?" grayson's voice was soft and soothing. he gingerly knocked on the bathroom door a few times, before coming in.
i flushed the toilet, and opened up the door. i tried my hardest to wipe my tears away as quickly as i could.
he wrapped his arms around me, and scooped me up. "do you feel like talking?"
i couldn't even look at grayson, but being in his arms provided me with a little comfort. "not really, but i can try."
a/n: i love you all soooo much!!
