a/n: there are mentions of depression, and self harm in this chapter. please skip this chapter if you feel as if this could be harmful for you to read. 💖💖
dear diary,
wait... is that what i'm supposed to say? i honestly have no idea, i haven't written in a diary since i was in fifth grade. i have lots and lots of updates, by the way. mom married a new guy, i have two step siblings, and i have a boyfriend. i guess you can say that a lot has changed.
i snapped my head up, as soon as i heard footsteps.
grayson stood in my doorway, and tugged on his sleeves. he was wearing his glasses today, and he was dressed in all black.
"hey, mimi." he looked a little nervous, distraught even.
i closed my diary, and made my way over to gray. "is everything okay? you look a little sad."
he took a deep breath, and wrapped his arms around me. "i'm terrified."
"i'm so sorry, gray. what can i do to help?" i rested my head against his chest, and sighed softly. he smelled like fabric softener, mixed with a musky smelling cologne.
grayson let go of me, and shifted his weight. "i need to– to calm down. could we cuddle?"
he was shaking a little bit, he wrapped his arms around himself.
"of course we can, g. get comfortable, okay? you can stay here for as long as you want to," i adjusted my bra straps, and made my way to the bed.
grayson clutched the edge of his shirt, and cleared his throat. "is it... okay if i take off my shirt and pants?" his cheeks were rosy.
i raised my brow, and laughed softly. "i told you to get comfortable, didn't i?" i hopped back onto my bed, and tucked myself under the covers.
gray had taken the time to drape his clothes over my desk chair, before joining me in my bed. i couldn't help but watch as he made his way over, he looked really different today.
his hair wasn't styled, he didn't have his favorite earring in. he was giving off a gloomy vibe.
"tell me what's wrong, grayson," i turned to face him, and rested my head on one of my pillows.
grayson sighed, and motioned for me to come over. "i want to hold you." his voice was shaky, and he had a look of desperation on his face.
i carefully crawled over, and laid on him. "i'm here, what's going on?" i ran my fingers through his fluffy hair, which seemed to calm him down a bit.
"j-jesus," he lifted up his glasses, and pawed at his eyes.
he didn't ask me to, but i removed his foggy glasses for him. i breathed on them, wiped them off with my sleeve, and placed them on the dresser next to my bed. "it's okay grayson, i'm here." i wiped the tears off of his face, with my thumbs.
grayson rested his hands on my thighs, and took an unsteady breath. "ethan and i used to play sports together. it's hard to picture, but i was super athletic. ethan made a ton of friends, and i didn't. i really liked sports, but i never fit in with anybody..." his eyes were getting misty, again.
his hands were freezing, so i placed mine on top of his. he looked up at me, and gave me a half smile. "i played sports with ethan, up until the tenth grade."
i placed a kiss on his forehead, and bit my lip. "what happened, if you don't mind me asking?"
grayson refused to look me in the eye. "i got really depressed. we ended up sticking with football, which was a really terrible idea. the... um, ethan was the only person on the team that actually liked me."
my eyes were starting to get misty, as well. i couldn't stop picturing a younger grayson, fighting back tears in a locker room. i didn't understand why people treated him so badly, it made no sense to me.
"people were really mean, you know? i didn't talk to anybody about how i felt, not even e." grayson rubbed my thighs gingerly, in an attempt to calm himself down. "you're probably really confused, i'm sorry. basically, my parents said that the only way that ethan could play football again... well, i would have to try out for the team, too. i have no idea what to do, i can't let anybody down."
he was rambling, ranting. i wanted to interject, i just wanted to tell him that we were going to figure things out. grayson was on a tangent, though. he had been holding in his feelings for too long, and that hurt him even more.
as grayson covered his eyes with his large hands, i couldn't help but notice quite a few thin red lines that moved from his wrists, to his forearms.
"grayson... what did you do?" i removed his hands from his face, and turned his arms over.
i was furious.
not with him, but with the people that made him feel as if he had to resort to harming himself. they didn't know gray, and i was glad that they didn't really get to know him. these people didn't deserve to get to know him.
"i– i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. you don't have to–"
i cut him off, and lifted up his right arm. "shhh." i kissed each and every one of the angry marks on his arms. i ran my hands through his hair, and gave him a soft kiss on the lips.
"you're not alone, okay? i know that it might feel like it sometimes, but you have me. we're going to get through this together. please, just come to me whenever you need me. we can go anywhere you want, we can do whatever you want, as long as it's safe. just promise me that you'll talk to me."
he placed tiny kisses all over my face, and pressed his forehead against mine. "what did i do to deserve you?"
the striking sound of heavy raindrops hitting my window slightly overshadowed the moment.
for the rest of the day, we just sat in my bed and listened to the rain. we spent a good chunk of the time, just looking at each other.
the rain eventually put grayson to sleep. he was spooning me, and he had secured me in his arms. his snores were loud. cute, but loud.
i yawned, and intertwined my fingers with gray's. "goodnight, grayson."
a/n: AHHH I'VE BEEN SO EXHAUSTED LATELY!! sorry that i haven't been updating on time :( i hope that you liked this chapter!! 💖💖
