The Short Memoirs of a Totally Random and Even More Useless British Teenager

1. Oh to be Cleopatra...

Everything here in this "memoir" is 100% true, although subject to extensive levels of sarcastic exaggeration - as is most of my life. Please enjoy! ^_^

I could have been born as anyone, anywhere, at any time.

I could have been born as a great Pharaoh in Ancient Egypt like Cleopatra, ruling over my slaves as they built huge, towering pyramids in the beating sun, sheltered by the moist safety of the river Nile. I could have been born in Roman Italy, a beast handler for all of the creatures raring to go into the amphitheatre and tear hardened gladiators to shreds. I could have been born in the Wild West, surrounded by Clint Eastwood look-alikes, loaded guns, explosives and wild drinking. My imagination dictates that I could even have been born in Middle Earth, stalking the exceedingly fit elf Legolas as he travelled with the fellowship of the ring.

But no. As I have learnt throughout my hardened seventeen years of existence, life doesn’t work quite like that.

I was born as a chubby, insignificant, and slightly ginger British baby in the wonderfully historic town of Bristol – famous for its roots in tobacco, piracy and slave trading.

Just my luck.

I know I’m fortunate in many ways. I won’t have to battle the short life expectancies, ferocious animals, unnerving shooting scenes and drunk hobbits that those lives entailed. In the same way, if I was born there I wouldn’t have to put up with many annoying aspects of modern day life, such as schools, nagging parents, Twilight and the way that it’s humanely impossible to eat just one chocolate finger from the packet.

And as if my life doesn’t sound bad enough to all you losers who are sitting there, with nothing better to do than listen to me whine, you’ve got another thing coming because, when I was six, my parents moved to Wales and no matter how much I tried to make sure they left me behind, it didn’t work.

Yes, that’s right. Wales. The country that looks like a mutated pig’s head from an angle. The country that seems to think if you’re not born there you automatically become an alien. The country that has the most complicated language next to Elfish that you have ever heard of. The country that all young people seem to think is the closest thing to Atlantis. The country that is famed for three things: rain, hills and sheep.

And God, have I had enough of them.