The Short Memoirs of a Totally Random and Even More Useless British Teenager

9. Procrastination and Proving P.E. Teachers Wrong (Again)

For the lack of anything else to do, I have decided to drag my fingertips back to my keyboard for another woefully uninspiring account of my life. This time, in the spirit of the current season - where all British teenagers are locked in the pits of misery, staring into the open-jawed mouths of woe (that's right, it's end of year exams!) - I thought I'd share my thoughts and not-so-hilarious anecdotes about how I manage to survive this hellish time of year.

First of all, for any internal exams (that don't actually count towards anything in your life), I never bothered revising. I mean, what was the point? Should I put in hours of effort just to get five percent higher on a test of useless trivia I would never need to know, which wouldn't actually count for anything in my life? Uh, no thank you. However, as times progressed and I started taking exams that actually determined my future somewhat (eep!) I begun to embark on the treadmill in life that is revision.

The worst thing about revision is getting yourself to do it. The work itself isn't all that bad - a few hours a day, selectively picking whatever bit of colouring in that looks least intimidating - in some ways it's easier than school. However, the animalistic hunger for freedom within me screeches out whenever I try to work, gnawing into my bones and filling we with such primal hatred towards picking up a textbook that I get the sudden surge to do something - anything - that doesn't involve revising. That computer game I used to play when I was ten? I'll complete it! Mmm, my bedroom's looking messy; I'll give it a clean. Hey, I haven't made a cake in a while. Heck, I'll even do exercise to escape!

This all-consuming drive to procrastinate is one that doesn't strike just me, thankfully, and across the nation thousands of schoolchildren are feeling the same. The weaker ones succumb to their desires, which is great because it lowers the grade boundaries! Yay! Even in academics, it's evolution in practise - survival of the most determined (and generally those who'll put in the hours and actually paid attention in class).

Another flawed maths thought about sport teachers, here - this time related to exams: I had an exam the following day, and the school still forced me to run around and play rounders in my P.E. lesson like a good little freak, even though all I wanted to do at that moment was hit the books and cram. When I ranted about it to my P.E. teacher (something you should never do, I warn you now) she gave me the most disgruntled look imaginable and said in her holier-than-thou voice, "actually, exercise improves your brainpower".

That it may do by a fraction of a percent, but how would playing two hours of rounders help me recall obscure facts about the Tudor cloth trade?! And more so, how would it help me more than cramming said obscure facts about the Tudor cloth trade into my head?!

When I not-so-kindly pointed this out to my P.E. teacher she went all huffy and said "I'm not going to get into this argument with you" and sent me off to be pummelled in the face by half a dozen rounders balls (why can't the bowler just aim for the bat?!). But seriously, I get exercise is good for you and all, but I could honestly deploy the time better. And all that exercise can't make you that intelligent - otherwise P.E. teachers would have something other to do than teach P.E., like help people instead of torture them (if anyone reading this is a P.E. teacher, I apologise. You are a wonderful person  - although the rest of your species is not).