ruled

part 8

It's nearly morning when something wakes me up. First all I see is darkness. but after a few seconds I see my mom and another women.

"there she is."  my mom says pointing.  I look up and force myself to sit. 

"don't worry Isabel. she's going to take a pregnancy test on you."

the women smiles and shakes my hand. "I'm Barbara.  Sorry I woke you up but we can't do this later on. I don't want the ministers to find out."

I nod.

"okay. I need you to pee over this."

"why would I pee?.. oh.. the test....never mind."  I'm not really smart in the early morning I guess.

Barbara gives me a small white stroke made of plastic. I hold it between my fingertops and look at the purple lines which curl around the thing. it's obvious that I've never used this before. Barbara sees my confusing.

"if the color gets green you're pregnant.  If it gets orange you're not." Barbara explains.  I stare at it for a while before I nod and answer

"okay. I'll be right back."

When I reach the toilet I close the door and breath through my nose to calm down a little. 

after 10 minutes I'm getting very nervous. 

orange please orange. not green. not green!

I think.  It lasts long before the color changes a little. the purple gets blue and I see a little shade of green. shit. this can't be true.

I unlock the door and open my mouth to say something but the only thing I can bring out is a weak moan as I collapse and fall against the ground.

It's done. I'm lost. it's all over. my normal life is over..

"Isabel!" yells my mom

Barbara grabs the test I threw on the ground. "pregnant. " she says.

"are you sure about that? isn't there any chance that the test is wrong?" says my mother.

"I doubt that. . we'll have to wait it up. there's a chance the color changes again." 

my eyes feel heavy and I can't force myself to open them. the only thing that I remember when I fall asleep is that I'm pregnant.  and there's no way back. how big is the chance that the test is wrong?

everything we did to find ourselves is over, and I've never realized it. until now. 

Sometimes life isn't about the choices you make,  but about how you control them.  I choose to stand up against the ministers but I'd never thought about what would happen if my plan didn't work. and that broke me. it broke me and now I'm lost.

If there would be any opportunity to control my life I would grab it with both my hands and never let go. I would learn to love for real, I would make new friends, I would do whatever I can't do right now.  and with that thought I become unconscious.

In my dream I fly above the city where I once thought to become happy.  I see Dale. He smiles at me and calls my name but I go further. I couldn't even stop drifting away from everyone if I wanted to. My body is full of adrenaline and I can't be controlled. even not from myself.  it feels good.

it feels so good that I almost forget about what is waiting for me when I'll open my eyes and face the real world.

sometimes you want to forget about what is real and just stay in your own world.  where no-one ever insults or brakes you.

and it's okay to forget for a while, you only have to control it.