ruled

part 10

I stare down at my shoes, watching as a colorful butterfly settles on the worn material. I keep on watching until it flies away. I feel a bit of loneliness coming up.

Today I have my appointment.  I'm glad I don't have to do this all myself and that the doctors help me.

but still, I hate them. But, of course, I hate almost everybody now.  myself more than anyone. 

I don't know why exactly I hate myself the most. It would be reasonable if I hated Bea or the ministers more. but that's just not the truth. The truth is that I made the wrong decisions. I made lot of choices after all..

not that I'm the only one who did that. Bea made wrong decisions too. like when she let my headmaster take me with her while my friend needed me the most.. but it's not because of that incident that I don't like her. I've never liked her, it began from the moment she came in my class. I still see her walking in on her expensive new shoes while she looked at all her fellow students like she stood above them.

her black hair was perfectly curled that day and she wore new glasses which made her look smarter. I used to be jealous of her when I first came here. But I outgrew that thought. she's nothing more then a stupid knowitall after all.

I heard Bea slipped and injured her knee after we had our conversation the other day. I was disappointed when Silvia told me she would recover fast.

But whatever her words can't break me.

"How do you feel?" asks Dale when I see him. 

shit he doesn't know I'm really pregnant,  I forgot to tell him.

"uhhm. nervous"   I say.   "and how are you going to convince them you're really pregnant?"   Dale asks awkwardly.  

"uh well actually. . we need to talk." I say when I look at my bully which is still flat.  Dale looks at my face focused.

"I am pregnant."  I say.

"yea I know you are  'pregnant'"

he doesn't get me.  I cover my face in my hands.  "no.. Dale you don't understand me... I mean I am really pregnant.  I took a test and.."

"you What!!? Isabel?" he yells.  I only nod.   "when will you stop lying!"

"Like it's  all my fault!  I can't do anything about it! I didn't wanted to go through all this shit! I've never wanted this, Dale. I didn't know. I thought my moms medicine worked. I swear!!"  I say.

"of course you thought that. " he says sarcastic.  "how long do you know this?"

"for about a week.."  I say.

"okay." he replies.

"don't act like this please!" I beg

"what, am I supposed to be happy about it? because that won't happen!"

I frown.  "Do you think I am happy then? do you see me laughing, huh?!"

Dale doesn't know what to say. so I say something.  "it's time to go now" he grabs his jacket and makes a bus stop. I mumble a thank you as I get inside. The bus is full of people who are going to their silly jobs. The ministers test you and then you have to choose between two almost the same jobs where you want to urn your money with. Most people end up working for the ministers. It's like they let them work there on purpose. so they don't have to do anything but sitting in comfortable chairs with a mug of fresh coffee, which is made from one of the workers.

My mother works for them too. She is their financier with a couple of other people. My father works in a fabric. Not really interesting, but they urn enough to carry our family.