To Name The Dark

the first breath

My distractions don't work anymore. The book is useless.
Staring at the walls cannot drag me away from myself.
I do not know if I will ever sleep again.

I have lost my direction, a broken compass spinning, can't find north. Before, I was occupied hiding the memories from myself, gripping desperately to the cliff edge.

I DIDN'T WANT TO FALL, OKAY. WAS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Well, I guess now I have. This is the freefall. I thought it would help me, letting go, but the dark thing isn't some monster you can easily defeat, with friendship and bravery. This is reality, and I was stupid not to realise that. I was stupid full stop. Stupid then, stupid now. I accepted, I gave in.

And now my brother is DEAD. And I can't even mourn for him because GUESS WHAT? I still can't even REMEMBER HIS NAME.

I am pressed against the smooth walls like they might open and devour me whole. It would be nice to be a wall- numb and unbending. I am breathing too hard, hyperventilating. I cannot feel the presence of the dark thing. And it SCARES ME. I want the dark, I want the acid power.

I am a monster.

I scramble to my feet suddenly, sway a little, then stare at the book cowering in the corner. It does not give me as much comfort as it once did. Just an object, sullen and unmoving. I hurl it at one of the walls. A slight thud, then it lies there, lifeless and limp. Several of the pages are now torn, and for some reason this upsets me greatly. Seems like all I can do is break. But I have started on this path of destruction now, and I cannot seem to stop.

I swipe a hand across my eyes. I really need to break this habit of crying all the time. I stamp on the pen. It does not break but skitters to the side, rolling away like a frightened animal. I stoop, sweep it up, and hurl it against the wall. Again, it stays intact, and this infuriates me.

After several minutes (hours?) (days?) of this, the pen finally splits down the side. Purple ink trickles from it. It looks wounded. It looks dead. I turn my head away from the wreckage of both pen and book, closing my eyes and waiting for nothing in particular. Maybe if I am lucky I might actually sleep.

I wake, and that's when I see her. Her. A person. After so long... or maybe not that long at all, I have no perception of time. She looks... she looks real. So real, and right here. I couldn't have hallucinated this... could I? It's just... the detail.

She stands in the corner furthest from me, head tilted slightly. Her skin is as dark as my brother's eyes were befo- her skin is as dark as chocolate, 90% cocoa. Hair in cornrows and- those eyes. Okay, those are not normal eyes. They are gold. So... a hallucination?

But I guess if I can believe in a dark monster entering my mind and killi- and blowing a room apart, I can believe in gold eyes. Anyway, maybe they are just contacts? Yes. Maybe. To be honest, they are not the strangest thing about the girl. The strange thing is that she is wearing such... normal clothes. Branded, brightly coloured. Compared to the blank white hospital-type gown I have been wearing for... however long I have been wearing it, her clothes seem alien. And is that a... a phone she is holding? Wonders will never cease. We speak at the same time. Well, I make a sort of croaking noise. She speaks.

"Hi, I'm, uh, Riana."

I am standing. Words want to bubble out of my throat and spill off my tongue, but I don't know where to start. Where am I? What am I? Am I crazy? Are you real? Is any of this real? Am I real? I guess I must have looked a bit startled, deer-in-headlights, so she just smiles.

I swear, her eyes are glowing. I decide to start with the least crazy-sounding question.

"Wh-where am I?" I stutter, inwardly kicking myself for sounding like a literal mouse. "I mean, uh. Well, I have no idea what is going on." A new thought occurs to me. "Wait a second, how did you even get in he-"