Starless Boys ☆ Yuri On Ice

Foot In This Life

As I stack the last batch of freshly cleaned plates on the shelve Yuuri walks by with a blue coat on and a gray scarf in his hand, seemingly looking for something in the kitchen.

"Where are you heading?" He grabs his keys from the counter, looking up at the sound of my voice.

"To pick up Jewel and Yuri from the airport. You want to come?" I consider declining, Yuri clearly doesn't like me very much, but that's the reason I nod to Yuuri and follow him out, because I want to mend our relationship, I don't want him to see me like he sees me, even if that is what I am.

I unhook the light gray trench coat Yuuri gifted me this morning, saying it's too big for him, as we leave, into the St Petersburg snow. It's not as bad as it was when I first set foot in Yutopia, what feels like a time so far gone.

"So what's the story with Jewel and Yuri?" I ask him as we get in his beaten up car, the engine sounding like it's owners coughs when it starts.

"Yuris mother had him alone, left him at her father's doorstep and dissapeared.  Jewel knew her father, Yuris grandfather. He helped him with Yuri, the poor man was old, he couldn't raise a child on his own. He died when Yura was 5 so Jewel adopted him"

"That's very good of him" it's interesting, that I grew up knowing kindness only from my mother. Everybody else was a demon, feeding off anger and pain and failure and jealousy, only looking out for themselves, waiting for your downfall, smiling at your pain.

And now, on the other side of St Petersburg, I find humans. Real, kind people like Pichit, Chris and Jewel. I also found an star. I found Yuuri.

"It is. I look up to that man in many ways" he says to the road, eyes focused as we make head towards the motorway.

"Makes sence, you're a good man too"

"I could be better" he retorts straight away, not an ounce of uncertainty in his voice.

"Your kindess is already too hard to believe" I chuckle, wondering where I my corpse would have ended up if I hadn't found Yuuri.

"You know when you do something bad, like steal from a shop, and you get away with it. It makes you open to do it again, to see if you can get away with it once more, until you think you're untouchable so you don't stop, you only reach higher. It works the same with acts of kindness. When you see that your help makes people happy, you want to create even more happiness"

Many stars are so far away you can't see them. They exist worlds away. Just like Yuuri.

"Are you happy Victor?" He looks my way for the first time in a while.

Am I happy?

I'm still dependent on Yuuri, I still haven't built myself up, I still don't stand on my own two feet, I still can't repay him, the memory of my father still haunts me.

I look to Yuuri, at his profile, at the way the morning light illuminates his features, lays over his sharp lines and dusts over the soft.

He makes me smile. He makes me happy. Regardless of all the dark stains and the flaws I carry he makes me feel bright.

"I am"

Yuuri's lips curl into a smile, such a beautiful smile.

I am.

--

It appears Yuuri pulls up at arrivals just in time. As soon as he cuts the engine blue catches my eye straight away. Indeed, it is Jewels tied back hair as he and Yuri exit the airport with luggage wheeling behind them.

Yuuri and I step out and just shut our doors when a swarm of people spill out after them, all with flashing cameras and loud demands for the attention of the dad and son.

I forget how paparazzi operate, such a long time away from spotlights and such hard work in trying to erase the memories of ever being there made me forget. 

"What's this waste of space doing here?" Yuri asks Yuuri as if the paparazzi aren't taking countless pictures, as if I'm not standing right here.

"Congratulations on your win" I force a smile, looking past the truth in his words.

Waste of space

I am. I'm no use. All I'm doing is increasing Yuuri's water bill and consuming his time and energy.

But Yuuri steps closer, resting a supportive hand on my back, "Yura there's no need for you to be a horrible person"

"I tell him every second of every day" Jewel sighs, absolutely dejected.

"I am not! I'm honest"

"No. I want Victor to be here, therefore he is not a waste of space. So you're wrong"

"Whatever" he huffs, stomping to the boot.

"Again, I'm so sorry" Jewel bows his head

"It's not a problem, really" I wave a dismissive hand at him. It's when I notice him is eyes are fixed on my wrist that I realise my sleeves slipped down a little, revealing the fading hand marks. My hands go straight into my pockets.

Yuuri is the only one I've told but Jewel doesn't need to be told, it's clear in his mismatching eyes that he knows exactly who and what. Jewel must have known Artur better than I thought, well, he has a gash in his face to prove it.

"I'll get that for you" I sweep his luggage from his hand before he can protest, slipping away and to the open boot, sliding the case next to Yuris leopard print one.

Paparazzi are still relentless as we get into the car, calling Yuri's name and snapping pictures. As we pull out I almost think I hear my own name.

The journey back is filled with Jewel and Yuuri's voices as they catch up, tell stories, laugh at memories. The first two minutes of them talking was enough for me to label them as very good friends.

The back of the car is a different story; Yuri and I sit in absolute silence, our only interaction happening when I notice him watching my profile. He scoffs and darts his eyes away when I catch him. I wonder what he's looking for, maybe the old me, the one he looked up to.

He's gone forever. 

"Hey Victor I go skating every so often, maybe you should come with some time" I look up to Jewel, as he twists in his seat to look back at me, smiling kindly.

Like Yuuri, he just wants to help. Am I ready for the ice though? Will I ever be?

No. My fear of ice comes from my father. If I keep surrendering to that fear I'll never escape his shadow.

"Thank you. Maybe I will" he nods, turning back to face forward.

"Why? You probably can't even skate anymore" Yuri scoffs louder, screwing his hace at me.

The reason I never made it to seniors wasn't my skill level, it was never because I couldn't land quads or I didn't have the stamina.  It was failure. During qualifiers, if I made one step out of time, one hand movement put of place, a mistake only worth 1 point, I'd shatter to pieces. From that point on my rutine would be riddled with disaster because skating wasn't on my mind, failure was on my mind, the memories of pain during practice, being yelled at and hurt for that one step out of time. The thought of what would happen when I got off the ice, when my father and I would be alone.

"I don't want to be able to skate. I want to be able to get on ice and not be afraid. That's all" I say quietly, to the cars passing us by. That's all I want, no more.

Nobody says anything.

~☆🌟☆~

I was planning to post more but I can't I'm sorry. I haven't been writing like I used to I hope I get back into it.