Starless Boys ☆ Yuri On Ice

On Love

Jewel bursts through the kitchen doors, "Victor. Me, you, ice skating"

Otabek catches the dirty plate as I drop it.

The words locked up my muscles.

Ice skating.

Terror, failure, not good enough, not perfect enough.

Ice skating.

"I um. I don't think it's... appropriate" I try to articulate, wiping sweaty hands on my apron.

"What isn't appropriate?"

Jewel steps aside to reveal Yuuri standing there, his attention on a clipboard rather than his surroundings.

"I've invited Victor to the rink" then he looks up. And something shrivels inside me because I know I have to do it now, I know I have to because his eyes are lit up with shining stars.

"That's great!" He claps his hands together with the widest smile I've seen for a while.

I have to.

Ever since that day; the pictures, the tan trench coat, Yuuri spilling his guts into the snow, walking away... He's been weird. As if he's trying to like me, to love me, rather than really feeling that way.

Maybe Yuuri will just always live above all of us. We all see him, reach for him, aspire, love. 

He doesn't see us. He's alone in his own plane.

His hesitancy over the last two weeks, his flaming desire and the way any little thing will throw a bucket of water on it, make him retreat, hide.

Every day that passes I start to believe more and more that he doesn't love me. He's just making me happy because that's all he wants. He doesn't want my heart he wants my smile.

And maybe he wants to, maybe he's dying to love me like I love him.

But he doesn't. And that won't ever stop breaking me to crumbs. 

"Alright" I sigh. For that light I'd do anything.

Even if I can't be the light.

"We're shutting shop in like 20 so you can go now. Have fun ok?" He takes hold of my collar and lightly kisses my lips. He rocks back on his heals and looks up at me with so much care and positivity.

It hooks me.

And it scares me.

If skating is the only way I'll get that smile, those eyes... i'll have to pick up my career. I'll have to jump quads till they're perfect, until my feet bleed. I'll have to deal with the fear, the reflection of my father's dissapointed face in the ice.

I'll have to return to my nightmare.

I'd do that for him. But never for me.

-

"These should fit you" Jewel places black skates next to my foot as I sit on the worn locker bench, contemplating.

"What was it like?"

"Hm?" He sits next to me, mirroring my pose, elbows rested on knees.

"Seeing my father again" after a pause he sighs, leaning back and resting one ankle on the other knee, his skate barely a distance from my thigh.

"Exhausting"

"Really?" I tilt to look at him, raising an intreagued brow, edging him to go on.

"I'm tired of him. He has always been part of my life. Since my junior years up to now. His name, his face, it's everywhere. I just want quiet"