My Life - The Book of my Craziness

Everyone...

Okay everyone, I'm honestly not sure if I should have posted this, because I'm afraid I will add to the pain that is already so great for many of us.

If so, I deeply apologize in advance. I know this week has been tough so far. This is not how any of us envisioned the week before winter break starting. At all.

I just need to write this to all of you.

Jonghyun is gone. It's devastating, I know. Of all the people that could have been taken, Why him?

The news came out of nowhere. I literally got a message in the morning telling me the news, and as I quickly pulled out my search engine, I was convinced it had to be a hoax. I don't remember the last time I was so upset to be wrong.

I'm actually coping okay. I shed a few tears, but I've accepted it. I know that isn't the same with everyone else though. Many of you are taking the news very hard...

In fact, along with the loss of our angel Jonghyun, we have lost a number of Shawols, who couldn't take it anymore and needed to take their lives to join him.

We are all in a lot of pain right now, I understand that. Most of us need to shed a few tears or take a few sad moments to ourselves. That's normal. That's how we always feel when someone we love dies.

But we can't stay like this forever. We can't let this ruin our week, our month, our year, our lives... let alone end our lives.

I encourage all of you to stop and think about this:

"What would Jonghyun have wanted?"

We don't know exactly, but we definitely have ideas. He most certainly wouldn't have wanted us to take our lives over him. He wouldn't have wanted to see more people die because he did. He also wouldn't have wanted to see us completely let our weeks get ruined over this.

He would want us to smile. He would want us to smile the smiles he wasn't able to. Of course, we have to cry a little, because it is sad. But we can move on and keep going with our lives. He wouldn't have wanted us to stay in this sad and angry and shocked state for a long time.

If he was here right now, he'd tell us he loved us and that we were everything to him, just like he always said. He'd tell us to keep smiling. Just like he always did.

So everyone, you can cry for a bit. But when you're done crying, just think of what he would have wanted and smile. Do it for him. He isn't on earth to smile anymore, but we who are still here can smile for him. He isn't suffering anymore. He has gone home.

The fact that he killed himself over depression probably is making many of you feel like there is no hope left for you. It may seem hopeless, but there is hope. Mental health issues can be overcome, and even though there are tough times, things can get better.

I don't want to try and make myself look like I'm "all that", nor do I want to do this to make you all feel sorry for me. No, I don't want to do that. I just want to say that I'm living proof that even though there are tough times, things can get better.

I won't go into details right now, because I've talked enough. But if you want me to open up about my experience with mental health issues and feeling hopeless and how i survived, I am up for it.

I will finish up by saying: Cry for today, but smile for tomorrow. Do it for him. He would want it.