DAWG

All Or Nothing

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a specific image when you no longer wish to be that?

I no longer find fulfillment in being someone that I don't believe I was ever meant to be.

Who I used to be was easy and predictable, it was a cycle that I became accustomed to.  

So I gave it up.

It became effortless when I found a purpose for just being my damn self.

I call it...THEM.

It's been a couple of months since I told her to go ahead and live her life. That day, I meant it. I didn't want to make her wait for me because I wasn't sure how long it would take me to let go of my old lifestyle. Yeah! It's past tense now. I spoke it into existence and now I'm no longer the man you first learned of. I'm currently Zayne Sanchez. There aren't any special perks and there are no longer any women lining up to get an honorary spot on my list of things – WOMEN– I used to do.

I never realized how much work I put into making myself someone I was clearly not. All of the unnecessary energy. All of the hearts I've probably broken. All of the meaningless sex that I used to partake in. I'm done with it all. However, I'm still not Prince Charming. I'll never claim to be because in life mistakes are meant to be made and learned from. I clipped all ties with everything that wasn't beneficial to my life. If it wasn't life changing then it had to go. So, I live for my son and myself. I live to teach him to be a better man than I started out to be.

And you know what?

It feels pretty damn good.

As far as I'm concerned I don't have anything weighing me down anymore.

With all that being said, I still feel like I owe it all to one person. She's someone that will always be special to me... someone I'd honestly say could have my heart right now if she wanted it. I would give it all to her – let her do whatever she wants with me for once. I won't say that I'm not afraid, but this is about feeling everything out. I would jump at the chance if she wanted to give me one. I'd make her a priority.

I'm finally ready to admit to myself and anyone else that cares to know about it...

I want Promise, and the strangest thing is I believe I always have.

I want her all the way.

No games.

No fickle ass emotions.

Just for what she gives me – for what she makes me feel.

Even after all these months have come and gone there's been no one to come close to being her. There's been no other womanly soul able to tap into my mindset or the deepest core of my being – MY HEART.

However, I'm not so sure that's even possible anymore – for me to have her that is. According to her friend she's still seeing that guy. I haven't spoken to her since we left the beach that day. It was like we washed away our whole friendship. We needed time apart from one another. Of course, I've still seen her, because she brings our son to me all the time. He often asks me about his mother now. I give him a faux smile and brush it off as though he never even questioned me. He's obviously picked up on our lack of conversation and interaction with one another.

I guess you can finally say I've gotten a taste of reality.

It could be too late.

At one point it didn't worry me, but now I'm not so sure.

I told her to go and live her life.

So I can't be upset that she's still with another man. I don't blame him for keeping her because of course, she's of way too much value to let go. Damn, I hate that I let her get away! I pushed her into another man's arms and told her to go without a fight! I regret that so much, but it would've been selfish of me to think she'd sit around and let life pass her by.

I've been trying so hard not to just walk up to her and pull her into my arms and hold her, get lost in her beautiful eyes, and kiss her the way I've always wanted to. I'd have her gone with the intimacy I want to bestow upon her. It's been something I've tried to lock away for as long as possible, and I feel like I can no longer do it. I can't deprive myself of what I know I want.

I can't, not anymore.

Would it be wrong of me if I found a way to get her to see me? Would it be wrong if I wanted to show her the man she's helped me to become? I don't want to be a problem, but I can't help it. I have to know if she still feels anything for me. I also don't want to make her choose, but my heart has already chosen for me.

It's her, and for once in my life, I'm going to follow my heart.

Sincerely,
Zayne
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Okay, so y'all remember when I said it's about to get HOT, right?! Next chapter is for the grown folks (just be prepared) lmao but uhhhh its gonna be really long... so would y'all like me to cut it in half or just upload the whole thing at one time?? It's up to y'all!

Please vote, share, and tell me what you think!

Thanks for reading!
-Nikki 💙