DAWG

A Motherless Child

How do you shake the feeling of being unloved?

How can you avoid something that's been bothering you for as long as you can possibly remember?

How do you convince yourself that you're capable of being loved?

Those are just three of the questions that I've yet to discover the answer to. Honestly, I don't know what to think at this point, but I can share with you how I feel.

I feel angry.

I feel sad.

I feel abandoned.

I feel unloved.

I can damn near feel my heart hardening again.

The emotions that are permeating me are nothing that I'd normally want to share with anyone, but I feel like I have to – I need to. My heart is fucking aching right now and it's all because of the woman that God chose to be my mother.

How could she just sit there and act like I wasn't of any importance to her?

How could she allow herself to even approach me?

I never saw her coming so it makes me think she's always been around and I just never knew. It makes me want to question my father and ask him if he knew she'd eventually show up. I can honestly say that I understand some of why my father never really mentioned her to me. She's the reason that I've had the hardest time trying to figure out what love is and how to let it in. I won't even lie. It feels like I've just taken a couple of steps back. She just made me that much more hesitant towards my newly found relationship with Promise.

I'm afraid again.

I'm afraid to get hurt although I've never experienced it on behalf of a woman that isn't my mother...

I hate that the little boy in me wanted so desperately for her to be the complete opposite of what my father told me. I wanted her to be everything that I'd ever dreamed of. I wanted her to love me. I wanted her to want me. The fact that she seemed so unmoved by the pain and strife that she caused me perplexed me. How? The fact that she also couldn't give me a legitimate answer to her unwillingness to be there for me and my father fucked me up too.

I want to run.

I want to build up a wall again.

That would mean that I'd be throwing away all the progression I've made though. I'd let my son down. I'd let Promise down. She's the reason for my change – the reason that I'm even thinking to be honest with myself. I hate how I feel right now. I hate that I don't know what else to do. I hate that it's hurting me so bad.

I hate that I never let it go like I told myself I did.

I swear I feel like a bitch right now too. Straight up. There's no other way to put it. Who would've known that all it took was for my mother to tell me that she didn't want anything to do with me, to completely break me? That's why I never allowed myself to go down that road again. I want so bad to shut everything out at the moment, but I won't allow myself too.

Anna.

The reason me and my father are so damn fucked up.

She's the reason my father felt it right to protect me from every woman.

I think he was always afraid that I was going to come into contact with someone like her, but when I look at Promise... and I look into her eyes I see differently. Her eyes hold the utmost care and something else that I've yet to decipher. She's how I'm starting to figure out that every woman isn't the same.

She's my hope.

So where do I go from here?

-Zayne

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Don't really know how I feel about this part here, but there it is! (It flowed okay, right?) I'll be posting a full chapter shortly!

Stay tuned ☺️!

-Nikki💙