Lost In The Inbetween

We're Close, But Not That Way (Part III)

Nine days had passed since my panic attack. Nine days passed since Connor texted everyone that I had run off and so they should go outside and look for me. Nine days since I last spoke to Connor. Nine days since I overheard Connor say that he would never touch me.

Nine days since my heart was broken.

I navigated the dangerous school halls, resorting to my old tactics of avoiding eye contact and shrinking against the lockers. The only time I looked up was when I turned a corner so I could make sure that Connor was nowhere in sight.

"Hansen! What the hell are you doing? My mom told me that your mom said that you wanted me to pick you up," Jared shouted from across the crowded hallway. I turned to face him. Unfortunately, Connor was walking a few steps behind him, so I bolted into the nearest bathroom.

This time, unlike so many others, Jared was the one who followed me into the restroom.

"What's up between you and Connor? I thought you guys were all over each other. Did you have a fight?" Jared asked. He almost seemed concerned.

"He, um, just doesn't, he doesn't want to be with me. That's all," I said. I felt so pent up inside. I hadn't cried much after I went home after Connor told me he wouldn't be with me. I had never gotten that explosive release that comes from crying. 

I just felt a pain deep in my chest, as if someone had pinned me to the floor and was grinding their knee into my ribs. Jared pulled me into a single armed embrace, the highest form of comfort I'd ever received from him.

"Well, he's nuts if he thinks he'll ever score anyone better than you," Jared said reassuringly.

"Oh great. Thanks," I said, unsure of whether Jared was complimenting me or insulting me.

"No problem. Are we good here?" he says as he gets up off the grimy bathroom floor. He holds a hand out to me.

"We are good," I say, taking his hand.

After school, I wanted to go somewhere. I didn't care where. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to go to the orchard, even though it reminded me of Connor, but I was scared. I wasn't scared of feeling all my emotions at once, but rather, I was scared that I wouldn't feel anything. I was scared that I had become an emotionless automaton and I would never feel anything ever again.

After a few minutes of standing in front of the school and staring off into space, I finally decided to go to the orchard. I needed to know what it would do to me.

I walked the one and a half miles between the school and the orchard in complete silence. All I could hear were the cars racing by and my feet shuffling against the ground. It was starting to get colder I realized as I shoved my hands deep into my jacket pockets.

I was nearly shivering as I reached the orchard gates. As I walked in, I saw a familiar shadow sprawled out underneath a tree. Despite every warning I was telling myself, I walked over to it. He looked at me, his eyes hungrily drinking in my face.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. That's when I finally started to break down and cry. It wasn't a pretty little sob, but rather a red-faced, snot-nosed outburst. The dam had finally broken and the flood was coming. Connor sprang up to wrap me in his arms. I recoiled, abhorring the arms I wanted to relax into.

"Don't touch me," I said venomously. I could see tears starting to drip down his face as well. I wanted to comfort him so badly. If I could just apologize, maybe everything would go back to the way it was. Then again, maybe it wouldn't.

"You're shivering," he said, his voice choked with tears.

"Yeah, it's getting close to winter," I said, my own voice wavering. Connor took off his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. He came close enough that I could smell him. He smelled the same, like wood smoke and ice. I smiled sadly.

"Won't you even kiss me?" I finally blurt.