Writings to the Moon

The Past

The past has always had a
strong hold on me.
It's chains always wound tight,
Making me crumble,
Stealing my happiness,
Keeping me from becoming
close with others.
But what power does the past have,
If I don't hold it in,
If I let it go and
The chains have no choice
But to follow.
Perhaps that's how it works.
I regret a lot of things
From the past.
I was always distant,
Different,
And I wanted to belong.
So even when I was young
I got mixed up in
The wrong people,
Doing wrong things.
But it made me feel needed,
So even when I wanted to
I couldn't give it up.
It was like an addiction.
Until I was found out.
It shattered my world,
And to this day,
I deny what really happened.
Perhaps I do it to protect myself,
Or maybe just my pride.
This is when things got worse.
I tried to make friends,
But I did it all wrong.
I craved attention,
And my vision of companionship
And love had been distorted.
But who would want to
Be the friend of someone as
Crazy as me.
One day I met someone,
And they changed my world.
I told them what I did,
What really happened,
And the told me it would be ok.
And that's all I ever wanted to hear.
This person was my world
For a very long time.
He helped me adjust to how life
Is supposed to work,
And taught me that it's
Okay to let others in,
Even if it hurts at first.
But that little girl,
Still craving attention,
Never left me.
So when things got boring,
Or he became distant,
I would stir things up.
And one day I took it too far.
Beyond forgiveness even.
But that's what I deserved.
It hurt more than anything
To lose him.
But I'm sure I hurt him
So much more.
But maybe that's what I
Needed to wake up.
I realized that a persons
Love is not something to be
Messed with like that.
I'm just awful, aren't I?
So to him,
Who will never read this,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you found me at a bad time.
I'm sorry I relied on you so much,
Asked so much of you.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you
What you wanted.
But you have her,
And I hope she makes you as
Happy as you made me.

And to people with me now,
The people in my future,
I'm sorry.
Sorry that I'm so scared to trust.
So scared to get close.
I'm so scared to mess it up.
I'm sorry I can't be open,
I'm sorry I messed up so much,
And I'm sorry to hide
the truth from you.
But if you knew,
Would you stay with me?
Perhaps that kind of thinking
Will be my downfall...
And perhaps the past,
Will never truly release me.