Writings to the Moon

Drowning

What really bothers me
Is that people always judge
From what their eyes see,
Or what they hear.
People have long forgotten
How to judge by what they feel.

They see and hear that I am smart,
So to them, all I am is smart.
They say I am pretty,
So to them all I am is pretty.

They think it must be great
And amazing to be me.
But if you take a step closer,
Take a look at what lies beneath
My carefully constructed mask,
You really wouldn't like to be me.

My mind is only smart when it
Chooses to be.
I know that sounds odd
But it's really hard to control.

My mind races with thoughts,
Images,
Words,
Feelings,
All too fast for me to put together.
Sometimes it is slow enough for
Me to comprehend,
Normally in educational situations.

When thrown into social situations,
The thoughts race faster and faster
Until it is nothing but a blur
And I wish I could catch them
And form conversations for us to carry
But all I can do is ramble and spit out
These words that fly past and
Hope I can keep up without
Sounding like an idiot.

I wish my brain didn't freeze when you
Talk with others,
Your eyes skimming over me but
Leaving me here and stranded
With nothing but A gaze.
I wish the thoughts didn't coil up
And tighten painfully
When you talk about others.
When I know how happy they
Make you and I am just here.

I wish you could understand I
Don't want to be like this.
I want you to see
Inside my mind and understand
The pain I go through
And I want to scream loud enough
That you understand that
I can't help that I'm like this
And I'm so sorry.

I wish I could be a good friend.
I wish I could make friends easily.
I wish I knew how it all worked
And I wish there was a guide
To follow that I can study
And ingrain into my mind so
I know that I can go through
Each step and make a friend.

I'm sorry I'm not enough,
Even when you tell me I am.
I'm sorry I'm so selfish.
That I want to soak up everything
You offer and leave nothing
for anyone else.
I'm so sorry.

They say there is a fine line between
Genius and insane.
I feel I have long since tipped
And am teetering, leaning
Into insane because I just can't anymore.
I can't even make sense of my own thoughts.

I'm so terrible.
So I draw these lines across my skin
Because they are numbers
That I can count and recount
And they are simple
And release the flow of thoughts
Out onto the floor and the sink
And it hurts but at least
My head isn't crowded
and I'm numb for a while.

I'm so angry because these
Tears are flowing down my face
And so is the scorching water
And it burns but at least there is
Only the thought of pain flowing through my mind over and over
And it's just a single feeling,
Not a million.

I'm sorry
And I just want you to know
I want you to understand
I don't want to be this way
I can't help it
That I always feel
Rejected and unimportant
And I just need someone who understand and who
Will always be there
And for once I just want
To be first in someone's eyes.

I feel like I'm drowning and
Struggling only hurts more.
I'm sorry
Please understand