All the Time in the World (English)

Chapter 22 - The Wolf in My Heart

Alicia said nothing and she looked at Guy: after confessing to her what had happened just a while ago, the knight had remained silent, staring at the bottom of his cup of tea, his face flushed. The doctor smiled slightly, touched to see him so excited and confused, and she pushed the plate of cookies towards him.
"Judging by your expression, it was unexpected, isn't it?"
Gisborne nodded weakly.
"I didn't want to get close to her, but it happened. And now I don't know what to do."
"What do you want to do?"
Guy decided to look up and stared at her, lost.
"I don't know. What do you do when something looks right and wrong at the same time?"
"What do you mean?"
"To talk to her... To kiss her... it was nice. But did it happen because she looks like Marian? What I did, it doesn't seem right in any case... I always thought that I wouldn't look at another woman after Marian, that I would always suppress that kind of emotion..."
Guy had put his hand on the table and Alicia covered it with hers, stroking it gently.
"And instead you have discovered that you can't silence your heart."
"Following it brought only pain. If I hadn't loved her, Marian would be alive."
"After eight hundred years, I don't think so."
"You know what I mean, Alicia. She would have had a long and happy life at Robin's side if I hadn't fallen in love with her."
"You can't know that. How many times has your love protected her? How can you know that she wouldn't have died before, if you hadn't defended her from the sheriff?"
"Don't do it, Alicia. Don't try to diminish my crime."
"It's not my intention, Guy. It is right that you are aware of the gravity of your gesture and that you regret it, but what I am trying to say is that it wasn't love that killed her, it was the anger you felt when your love was rejected."
"Isn't it the same? I loved her and I killed her, there's not much else to say."
"Have you ever thought that instead of repressing your feelings, perhaps it would be better to learn how to deal with anger? Try to imagine it as a ferocious beast..."
"It is. It's like a furious wolf that devours everything that is good in me."
"Would you feel safer by putting a rope around that wolf's neck to restrain it, knowing it might break, or by training it, so that it obeys you in any situation?"
"And do you think it's possible?"
Alicia smiled to reassure him.
"Indeed it is. In the next few days, if you wish, we will study the best way to tackle the problem."
"But even if the wolf inside me didn't exist at all, I wouldn't know what to do with Miriam, anyway. I love Marian and she has never loved me, this is the truth and it can't be changed. It wasn't right to kiss Miriam... and yet I would do it again right now."
"Actually it's a complicated situation. If that girl just looks like Marian, you feel to have betrayed one and deceived the other, if instead she is her, you think you have taken advantage of her amnesia and stolen the woman of another man..."
"Yes. Whatever I do or I feel, seems so wrong... Maybe it's me who's wrong."
"No, honey, you're not. It's that love is rarely easy."
Guy looked up, surprised by the tone of regret in the woman's voice, but Alicia added nothing else.
"What should I do, then?"
"Since there is no ideal solution, listen to your heart, but don't let it drag you blindly. From what you told me about Lady Marian, I think that one of the main problems was that you idealized her too much, you let your feelings for her nullify everything else, and, when you lost her, nothing remained. Now, instead, think about being calm, build a life that makes you feel good about yourself. In this way, if things go well, they would be an extra joy, but if they don't work, you'd still have your life, a full and satisfying life."
Guy gave her a warm smile.
"Your advice is always wise, Alicia. If I had met someone like you when I was a boy, my life would have been very different."
Alicia poured another cup of tea for both of them and she watched as Guy drank it and took more cookies from his plate. Now he looked calmer than before, but she was afraid that a relationship with that girl could make him suffer.
She couldn't do anything about it, in any case, if not to offer him her support and some advice.
She led the conversation on lighter subjects as they finished eating and drinking tea.
"What do you want to do now? Are you tired? Do you want to go back to the hospital or continue to visit the Christmas markets?"
"Neither. If I go back to my room, I already know that I'd keep thinking about what happened and I think I'll have enough time to do it tonight instead of sleeping. The same goes for the markets: it's there that I kissed her, all those lights would continue to make me think of her, how they shone around us while she was in my arms..."
"What do you propose, then?"
"I don't know. Something that belongs to this time and that I don't know yet. Anything."
"Anything, uh? What do you think about going to the cinema?"