Nepenthe {joshler}

i.

there's nothing but the whirr of josh's five year old dying laptop, the crackle of speech through the crappy speakers as a cartoon plays. there's the soft sound of fingers running soothingly through long red hair as a small girl dribbles over the ear of her cat stuffie, cheek smushed into a jean-clad knee, nose pink and eyes sparkling as they reflect the low quality image.

tyler runs his fingers through her hair so carefully, like she'll crumble to dust at the slightest disturbance. his other hand is tangled with josh's, arm trapped between josh's head and the faded, ripped couch cushions. His face is flushed with sleep and his feet dangle over the end.

Abigail is fixed to the kids film unfolding in front of her but tyler is watching josh, his stomach churning as he tries everything he can to quell his worries and fears. He looks so peaceful as he sleeps but he also looks so young when his guard is down like this. tyler forgets sometimes that he's never gotten a proper childhood, or that even though he's a senior in high school and more mature than most of tyler's friends, he's still so young. but tyler cant think about that either, that has its own anxieties attached.

there's a crash upstairs and then running, tyler tries to look behind him as he hears footsteps, sees ashley guiding jordan down the stairs, his mouth is bleeding and tyler almost gets up before remembering the tiny angel in his lap. she's so small, too small, he thinks but he knows she eats more than the rest of her siblings because they all work on the philosophy of putting her needs first.

"he okay?" tyler asks quietly as ashley sits jordan in the old gross armchair in the corner of the room. it smells like burnt coffee and stale cigarettes and just looking at it makes you want to scrub yourself clean.

"walked into the door like a right moron." ashley replies forcing a light tone but the worry in her eyes as she ruffles her younger brothers hair is more evident than the bags under her eyes, or the scars on her arms.

jordan's one eye is swollen shut from a run in with his mother's booze bottle and his depth perception is suffering.

ashley makes him rinse and spit before handing him a bag of something frozen, wrapped in a dirty dish rag, its all they have. they're lucky the freezer was actually on, usually the powers out because their mother has yet again spent bills money on vodka and plastic mini skirts she thinks will cop her, short-lived, male attention.

tyler feels anger bubble up, but its replaced by genuine fear when he hears a knock at the front door.

all four siblings' eyes fly wide open, josh woken with a start and immediately sitting up.

josh gets up quickly, heading for the door.

he feels his whole body seize up, when it opens to reveal a face josh hoped to avoid.

"hey there joshua, can i come in?" the man asks and josh debates shutting the door in his face but he knows he can't.

abigail climbs fully into tyler's arms, like a koala bear, she clings and peaks over his shoulder at her brother and tyler panics.

he shouldn't be here, he should've hidden or left out the back but it's too late and the look of terror on ashley's face as they make eye contact only confirms it.

tyler stands up, still holding abigail but he knows she will only let go if he gives her to josh. with a deep shaky breath he walks towards his boyfriend.

josh steps aside to let the man in, who lets his clipboard guide him forward and into the room.

he seems confused to see tyler almost walk into him.

"sorry, i was just leaving." tyler says shakily and steps around him.

the man eyes him but turns his attention to jordan's sorry state in shock, walking over to inspect the fourteen year olds face.

while his back is turned tyler hands abigail over to her brother. she immediately tucks her face into his neck.

"i'll see you tomorrow." tyler promises quietly, hoping his lingering fingers brushing down josh's arm are enough to soothe him. josh nods cautiously and steps to the side to allow tyler out the door.

it's reflex, tyler doesn't even realise what's happened until he's halfway out of the door. he freezes and turns around to see the broken expression on josh's face, his eyes filled with fear. tyler barely registered the pressing of their lips together, it's muscle memory, it's all tyler thinks about most days to the point that he doesn't actually think about it at all, but he's fucked up this time.

the older gentleman coughs as the two boys hold a silent conversation between them. tyler opens his mouth but his apology dies in his throat. josh simply shakes his head, breaking the stare to look at his family instead.

tyler wants to do so many things but he knows the best thing is the hardest one. so with a heavy heart he turns, closes the door behind him and walks to his car.

the gentleman raises his eyebrows as josh swallows hard.

game over. josh thinks.