Nepenthe {joshler}

ii.

tyler couldn't stop chewing on his lip as he lay on his bed staring at the ceiling.

the earlier events in the day played in slow motion like some horror movie that tyler couldn't forget. then another memory was pushing it's way forward, filling his chest with dread.

he remembered josh's face a few weeks back, when he'd turned up on tyler's doorstep at three in the morning.

he'd been shivering violently, clothes soaked through as he'd walked to tyler's house alone in the rain.

the thought that josh felt safer wandering the streets alone at night than in his own home made tyler feel an emotion so strong he had to cover his face with a pillow and scream.

josh had arrived with a bruised face, there had been blood smudged and washed down his face from a small cut on his nose.

as soon as tyler had seen him from where he'd stood on the staircase, he had barged past his housemate, making mark stumble back in a half-asleep daze. tyler had pulled josh into his chest and held him so tight, tears in his own eyes as josh sobbed into his shirt. he was cold as ice and tyler had been quick to get him upstairs, changing his clothes for warm dry ones when josh became unresponsive.

there had been delicate fingers cleaning josh's face, an open first aid kit spilled out across the desk. tyler's hands had shaken as he placed the bandaid on josh's nose but if josh had noticed he pretended he hadn't.

tyler knew to wait out the silence, he knew the deadness in josh's eyes was because he was lost somewhere in his head, sitting cross-legged in a dark room while he organised his thoughts and compartmentalised his memories and emotions. he'd come back to tyler when he had sorted everything into a checklist of points and he'd list them and tyler would make them dissolve, like cotton candy in water.

tyler had held his boyfriend tight to his chest, pressing kisses softly over any exposed skin he could find.

"they're going to put us into the foster system. adrian said there's too much evidence of abuse for any self-respecting human to ignore, especially a social worker."

josh's voice had been raw and faint and tyler had known it meant he was toeing the line between something and this conversation, he just couldn't tell if it was just sleep or if he was about to draw back into himself. he'd spoken cautiously as a result.

"he's right josh. i can't bare it." his voice had broken and he had to swallow hard around the heartbreaking thought of every bruise and scratch, the broken nose, the scars on josh's thighs, the fingerprints on his neck that one particularly scary night. and those were just what josh got away with. ashley would be permanently left with scars on her cheek, jordan would never play professional baseball after the broken bones he had sustained. abigail's damage was psychological but that left its own kind of scars especially on someone so young.

"what if they make us move towns? he said they're building a case to send her to jail, what if i have to speak at the trial? i can't do that, ty. i can't do any of this, i never asked for this life, i can't get seperated from them, i can't live without them i can't- i can't- i-"

"woah woah woah. baby, breathe please, you're okay. you're okay, i'm here. right here." tyler had said, helping josh sit up as his breathing had shortened towards hyperventilating.

he had pulled josh's hand to his chest as he'd backed up, just enough to give him air. then he'd taken deep breaths, josh copying as best as he could. hot tears had been dripping into the space between them.

after some time josh had calmed. tyler had grabbed his hands and laced their fingers together, once he had pulled the sheets around josh who was shivering violently once again.

"josh, she belongs in jail for the things she's done to you. i'd kill her if being in jail wouldn't keep me apart from you." tyler had said and josh had ducked his head.

"i hate when you talk like that. you're nothing like her, you're not violent and i don't want you to be." he had mumbled and tyler felt guilty. he had squeezed their fingers and pressed his lips to josh's hairline.

"i know, i'm sorry. i just love you , more than words, and the fact that, there are things i can't protect you from, frustrates me."

josh had looked up, tugging on the older man's hands so he came closer, allowing their lips to press together tenderly.

"i don't want to be apart from you or my family." (both boys understood that family meant his siblings and had nothing to do with the woman who had birthed them.)

"you said your social worker, adrian, promised he would do everything he could to keep you together, if it got to this stage, right? so, you just have to trust he will stick to his word."

josh had ducked his head as tyler had rubbed his thumbs over the backs of his hands.

"i love you and i want you out of there, i want you safe." tyler had said softly and josh had wanted to cry again. had wanted to tell tyler how much he made him feel safe, how all he wanted was to be with him always.

"im eighteen in five months." josh had said hopefully but tyler had given him a look.

"you don't know if you're allowed to take care of them once you're eighteen baby, you can't put all your hope on something that's not practical. we can't raise three kids josh, i barely make enough for rent on this house and i split it with five other dudes and you barely make enough to feed them."

"i know but i have to pretend. it's all i have." josh had said, voice breaking and tyler had instantly moved, pulling him into his arms and lying down again. he had begun running his fingers through josh's thick curls, shushing him and after a while he had turned out the light and sung quietly. a soft song that made josh's heart fuzzy and had his mouth twitching up at the corners ever so slightly as he had finally fallen to sleep.

tyler misses his weight on top of him, they always sleep best when josh can use tyler as a personal mattress and tyler can use josh as a personal heater.

he knows what the consequences of exposing their relationship can be. adrian could make sure josh is moved far away from him, or worse, could punish josh out of bigotry and disgust.

tyler has never hated himself more than he does right now, when he realises his own carelessness could cost josh, the boy he's so completely in love with, everything.

he'll never forgive himself.